by anti-folk hero
Ah, fathers. Few have anything good to say about fathers. The best father/son relationships usually involved a father who taught his son to be just like him. The musician father with a musician son, the preacher father with a preacher son, etc. Then there are the loads of criminals in the world who claim to have been abused or neglected by their fathers. No matter what your relationship to your father was, however, one indisputable fact is that fathers have a tangible effect on their children no matter what they do. Whether that relationship is good or bad depends on the personalities of both people involved.
Let’s talk about my father for a minute. He is a very successful professional who is at the top of the company he works for. He has a team of elite, intelligent people working under him, doing his bidding, and generally just trying to profit off of his hard work. He financially supports my mother (whom he divorced over fifteen years ago and who still lives on alimony), sends his second kid to a private school for 30k a year, and is probably going to help me out when I eventually get into higher education later this year. Sounds like a great, helping, encouraging guy, right?
To be fair, he can be a great Dad. He got me into music by telling me stories about different musicians as I was growing up. He also forced me to start taking guitar lessons at age eleven even though I really didn’t want to. Almost everything he has ever predicted about my life or what would happen to me has been right on the money. So where is the issue in my relationship with him? My dad is a control freak. There is no better way to describe him. He has many personal insecurities that he cannot control that manifest themselves in negative behavior towards others. He’ll oftentimes be dead wrong about something and yet find justifications for why he is right and everyone else is wrong, often involving verbal and emotional abuse. He is aggressive, uncompromising, and decidedly uncooperative in just about everything. “My way or the highway” could be his personal philosophy.
Yet people still like him and deal with him. He has many friends, most of them through work, and he is well respected by his contemporaries. Now, you may be saying that I shouldn’t be so ungrateful, as he is giving me money for school. But at this point, I am sick of his money and sick of his shit.
An example: Today, I brought him a spreadsheet I had made outlining the costs of a cross-country trip to visit several of the schools I was accepted to. I laid out flight costs, dates, hotel prices, even trains prices from some cities back east back and forth. I got the absolute cheapest prices on flights that I could find (which is better than he could do). Upon sitting down in his office, he took the piece of paper to me, and then berated me for ten minutes about how stupid I was, how I should find the cheapest prices, insinuating that I was dumb and arbitrarily put up more expensive prices on purpose, and even accosting me for not realizing that flying to Ithaca is much more expensive than flying into Syracuse or Rochester instead (to save money). In the end, he has done nothing but yelled, complained, and generally insulted my intelligence in the most aggressive, mean-spirited way, and said nothing constructive at all. He had alienated me.
My father is a man at the utter whim of his moods. He can’t control himself. In many ways, a child has more control over the responses he chooses than my father does. If he has a bad day, he’ll be rude and contemptuous towards everyone around him. “This isn’t what I wanted for dinner!” he’ll shout at my step-mom. “I specifically told you that I only eat Norwegian potatoes, not these Idaho pieces of shit! You knew that! You’re just serving me these worthless, disgusting potatoes because you don’t listen. Maybe you should stop watching all of those idiotic TV shows and pay attention when I tell you these things. Its really not that hard to do.” Then, the same day, he’ll be half an hour late to a family dinner, forget about his son’s basketball game, and space out on a bunch of other shit entirely. HYPOCRITE.
This is my read on his personality. I see him as emotionally immature. Here is a person who has some serious insecurities that are deeply buried. He can’t control his fears and desires, so when he feels like he can’t control himself, he tries to control others. Being an intelligent person, he is quite successful in controlling other people. The effect, however, is that he alienates the people that care about him. He treats them like invaders or strangers and his attitude couldn’t be less inviting.
At this point in my life, I’m realizing that there are two paths I can take at this moment. If I take his money for college, I’ll be in a weaker position to call him on his bad moods and at the mercy of his bullshit. If I don’t take his money, I’ll have to take out monster-sized loans and repay them later in life. However, I would have my independence. What do you think? Is the independence worth it? Please share your stories about controlling friends or family members if you have them.
¡ B a r n s t o r m e r ! 
Hm, a toughy.
However, you’ve nailed your dad down expertly.
Intelligent people- truly intelligent people, like your dad, and more importantly, you and I (since we’re the younger lifeblood of the future, and since I feel our generation, or at least the liberal part of our generation we’re a part of, are more caring, sensitive individuals) can get reads on people so close to perfect merely through practiced observation that I’m quite sure you’ve read your dad right.
Never mind that we all have our stubborn phases; when someone wrongs you in a specific way, and you respond by seeking the root cause behind their actions, you are typically in a position to, well, come up with the correct answer to the causes of said behavior.
Sorry for rambling; it’s just to say don’t second guess yourself if you might consider it- you HAVE boiled it down to your two choices: take your dad’s money and be beholden to him, or take the hard road and do it yourself.
If you are planning on higher ed, I take it that means 4 years of law school. That places us at 2011. Since the world will enter a phaseof “10,000 years of peace and light” in 2012, according to the Mayans, Navajo, and other substance-imbibing, prophecizing peoples of the past, you will have 1 year of needing to worry about paying off loans. Then nobody will have any worries.
Thus, Id suggest you focus on guitar. And writing.
I can appreciate your ideas and I think that I will definitely keep focusing on writing and playing the guitar. At this point, however, I’m going to go to law school, both to enrich my mind further by delving deeper into a new field and also by giving myself the chance at entering into a meaningful career. You can’t change things from the outside, as far as I’m concerned. I want to see your new ax, dude. The one from Mehico. Bring it down sometime.
My story is long and similar to yours in many aspects. In my family we were father, mother and three boys me being the middle one. My father a successfull real estate investor we had it all. Everyone thought we were the perfect family. In 2002 my parents divorced. I sided with my mother so he literally left us in the street. At this time we sold everything from jewelry to garden tables everything we had in our home and moved into a house with our maid. She sided with us and hated my father so much that when he offered her a higher salary she declined and decided to live with us and help us out.
Two years passed after all of us getting jobs. I sold my car and bought a work truck and started making deliveries, my mother went to work at an office ( she had never worked a day in her life) and our maid went to cleaning houses. I started looking for investors in order to get into the housing boom.
When I started to build my first set of homes. After dealing with my father blocking my every move. I got a group of investors and started building homes. Now I have a successfull business owning 600 doors.
After the housing bubble hit the fan. He was affected by it. I remember the day I get to the bank that once closed its doors on me by his request. And he is sitting there waiting for a new bank officer since his had retired. And as I get there the bank officer walks out of his meeting to greet me and leaves him standing while he spoke to me. After that day he called we spoke. He never said I’m sorry. But his words said it all. Of course don’t think they change people don’t change. After a year and me trying to help him out he screwed me. So buddy, do it on your own.
Its always been funny to me, in a somewhat sick and twisted way, how similar our fathers are. In many ways they are more alike than you and me. But the similarity that always takes the cake is father and son. I am uniquely myself, but at the same time the older I get the more and more of my father I see in myself. I don’t think that is always the case. You and I, however, have father’s with strong personalities who have influenced the people we have become. I think the key here is to realize the good and bad qualities they posses. We should make a conscious effort to incorporate the good and not the bad. It’s not easy.
I am lucky in that my father has calmed down a bit in the last few years. I think partly because both his kids are out of the house.
As far as the money goes. I can’t tell you what to do. But might I suggest this: Don’t look at the issue in such black and white terms. Taking money will not mean you are completely a slave to his will, and not taking any money will not alleviate his influence completely either.
Ask me some time and I tell you what I did…
In the end you will never fully escape, the damage is already done. He is your father and will always affect you in one way or another. Just know that all you really owe him is to be a good person (you know how even if it was because sometimes he showed you how not to be) and do what you think is right.
That being said. Make sure you really really really want to go to law school because it sucks a big fat black cock. It will put you into debt no matter what, and you will be that much closer to being just like you know who.
Yeah, its funny how our lawyer fathers turned out. I don’t know about your dad, but mine is always laying claim to his radical roots, despite the fact that he is completely politically inactive and probably supports more bad guys than he shoots down. I wrote that piece about on a day when I was particularly frustrated with him (which sets off my more melodramatic tendencies). I don’t feel like I’m a slave to him and I don’t sit around biting my fingernails about what to do about school. I plan on following the path of interest over that of money in law school and hopefully I’ll find something that I can agree with that will also make me money. I’m not worried about starting law school up; I look at it as an opportunity to live somewhere new for awhile, meet some new people and just generally have some more life experience before I end up stuck here in LA for the rest of my life.
I just think that my Dad was an idealist but also a realist who figured out that you had to dress a certain way and represent certain kinds of people to excel in law and he went for it. Now he’s disillusioned, successful, conflicted, and unable to feel truly proud of his work. As a reaction, he becomes a pessimist, ignores politics, and gets lost in his eBay-with-kids lifestyle. Maybe I’m just an idealist, but I’d like more out of my career than success. I also want satisfaction.
Good site!!!
whatever you do dont take his money.
think about it, he is trying to control you yet again.
go it alone and stand on your own two feet….
he will hate it and give you grief, but tell him to
buzz off.
been in exactly the same situation with my control
freak father.
stand alone you dont need anyone else!
I hear ya Kev. Sometimes being around him can be seriously stressful. I wrote that above article after a particularly nasty incident where he was just a complete asshole to me. The truth of the situation is that, despite his occasional twists of the knife, he’s actually a very nice guy. He just treats people according to his moods. So if he’s pissed and you try to talk to him, he becomes pissed at you.
I’m going to take his money. However, I’m taking out half of my fees in loans and I’m going to take out another loan to get a new car. When I get out of law school I’ll be free of his chains and I can stand on my own two feet. I did manage to drop my fees significantly, however. I’m sorry your Dad is a control freak. My advice is not to get upset about it, but start figuring out a way to get away from him. Make sure you have a plan though. You’ll need a decent enough job that you can live on and a way to achieve that job. Study these things and you’ll be able to escape more successfully than if you just leave, because if you just leave, you may end up without a life at all. Parents are nuts!
I’d like to drop some words. Cool site, thank you for this! diana zubiri
Greetings to the author of this page. Nice site, keep up the good work stacey keibler
My dad is a control freak and I have to say that he makes your dad sound like Winnie the Pooh. If I had to tell you all the ways he is in control of my life you would vomit. I have a plan to move out (with my daughter). But I haven’t finished school yet and so we would be living on a tight budget for another year and a half. I am trying to decide if I should stay here with my control freak of a father (he can turn into the meanest a–hole) because all of our bills are payed ( he is an MD) or go it alone.
I hope that just because they are out fathers we can choose to not let them effect us. We have to take responsibility for our own feelings and not let them bring us down.
I’m really sorry to hear that, Sheila. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a female with a controlling father. I think its in mens’ instincts to want to control their daughters. Its a misguided protective agenda. Many fathers just can’t seem to let their children grow into individuals.
I did a quick search online and found “1-800-4-A-CHILD,” which is a phone number you can call that will help you get out of an abusive situation. I’m not sure if your father is being physically abusive, but if he is, you need to get out of that situation immediately. You have no obligation to take that kind of treatment from him or anyone. If you can access this site, you should be able to access other websites that can help you out of the situation you’ve found yourself in. Keep me updated of your progress and if there is anything I can do to help, I’d be happy to oblige you.
I was looking for advice myself on a situation very similar to yours… I see that this was posted in March of 2007. I hope things are working out for you.
If you think your dad’s an ass, you should see mine. He’s a functional alcoholic—a term that I was not familiar with until quite recently. Functional alcoholics, as the term itself explains, are near-normal-lookin, near-fully-functional, alcholics. My biological dad–I call him that to distance myself from the loving term “dad”–is an asshat who needs to control every family member. Yet he’s so different to people outside of the family (like friends, business partners, neighbors, etc). People think he’s a great person… boy would I love to write a book to divulge the truth about this fucking assole.
I wanted to go away for college. Away from this insane household. Except, I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to leave my mom alone with him. He’s also abusive. I grew up watching him hit my mother, and I’ve been hit as well. But unlike most abused children, I learned to defend myself, hit him back at times… but I’m a chick, and I don’t have enough upper-body strength. Why she never divorced him… it’s complicated. It must be an Asian thing.
So for 4 years, I went to a college that I didn’t necessarily want to be at just so I could stay close to my mom and come to her aid whenever she needed me. My parents paid for college – yes I took part of that prick’s $…but it also belongs to my mom, so i think it’s fair… Plus… with all the emotional/physical suffering that i’ve experienced because of him, I think I’m entitled to that $$$. B4 he dies, I’ve decided I want to use every last penny of his.
I just graduated from college this year, and I’ve been accepted to a great grad program at the U of Chicago. I have an internship that may blossom into a salaried job (but nothing is for sure). But I’ve moved back with my parents recently after the lease on my apartment has expired.
Now I am faced with the same question that you are dealing with (or hopefully, things have already turned out for the better)… should I stay at home? Continue to use his money for grad school? Or should I take out a loan for grad school & another apartment? It’s a killer decision. And to think that I’d be leaving my mom with him for good, it’s even more painful.
So now that I have blabbered on about my life, let’s turn back to you. If you haven’t already made a decision… I’d suggest that you take your dad’s money for your undergrad. He doesn’t sound AS bad as mine. I have friends who have taken out loans for college, and it is NOT AT ALL the life-after-college experience they’d hope to have. I only wish you were in a situation where you can tough it out… especially if you can physically distance yourself from your father for college.
Besides… the way I see it… if you, as a financially successful parent, cannot provide college funds for your own child, I think you’ve failed as a parent. If ever he should say something like “I sent you to college you ungrateful…”, I think my line of reasoning serves as a good comeback.
Thanks for your comment hockeychick. I wrote the post you responded to after a particularly aggravating encounter with my dad. If anything, writing it has given me perspective on how much worse most other people have it with abusive or dishonest parents who can be even nastier. I just have a control freak of a dad who must be the master of everything. At some times, his controlling behavior is even funny.
We’re both very into music, as we both play guitar, and its funny because he’ll say things quite often like “no good music has been recorded since 1967,” which is complete bullshit and he knows it. He just says it to try and act like his generation of music was so superior to anything I could have possibly lived through. Control freak.
Thankfully he doesn’t drink or physically abuse me, but just his emotional abuse can be pretty bad too. Its like having someone around who is constantly ready to deflate your self-esteem, make you feel like a piece of shit and just generally rain all over your parade. And because the asshole is your father, you can’t really turn them off and just ignore their idiotic comments.
I hope you make it out of there, but I think that if your Dad is abusing your Mom then you need to call the police. The next time she has a bruise, get a third party involved. Do a google search on “stopping abuse” and you should find some resources. I’m headed to grad school myself and I did decide to take them money, so hopefully I made the right decision. Part of that decision was that once I’m done with grad school, I won’t have to borrow any money anymore. I’ll bet set. Good luck and keep me updated.
hey i know how it feels my god im a wife of one and god he drives my son over the edge at times and well i can understand sigh…at least you can choose his retierment home!lol
dont let it ruin your life… dont become him have a good one!
Hey, my dad is an abuser as well. They are all the same and the way you described the way he spoke with your mother, is along the same lines they all speak. It’s a shame that we even bother to try and figure them out. I’m 26 now, I moved out when I was 20 years old. I’m grateful my father never payed for anything of mine that could have too much of an attachment. TRUST ME on this one: BE INDEPENDANT!! It is so important because he will always be abusive, therefore you will still have the abusive ties throughout school, continuing to tear apart your self worth and esteem, you are priceless, never forget that. I wouldnt put up with his behavior for another second. I continued a distant relationship with my father for several years I moved out and he still found little ways to demean me, guess what, I realized he is never going to change. I feel so much more confident in my decision to end this cycle and stand up for myself. As I tell my brother do not beleive a word out of his mouth about you! If you can try and go to a therapist, to heal.
My name is brittany mikowski I am 20 years old.
Being still controlled by my mother and her boyfirend
I have the same thing but 2 controlling parents.
one is very intimadating and wieghs at least 368pounds. The other is my mom who always said I ws not good at anything. she would install “self doubt in me. Thats one of the things “controlling” parents will do to you. They put you down and twist everything you say. They will talk you down saying things like “oh you need me you would fail living on you own” Or “I am not controlling you I just don’t want some big debt for the rest of my life
YOUR NOT ALONE!!! I understand everything others have posted and I feel for them. I hope they can find help with the problem because I going to have to call the cops when I wanna move out. They will have to give me a walking escort out of the house . This is for their pertection becuase if try to stop me i am going to defend my self!
Well got to go everyone I hope for the best!
Brittany mikowski
suke_power@yahoo.com
This is a father-son excerpt from the most powerful book ever published on the subject, The Wrong Schwartz. (www.TheWrongSchwartz.com) I’ve read the book several times—and, full disclosure, I wrote it! Joel D. Block.
Check this out…
When I failed to score the highest on a school-wide test, my father ripped into me for so long that I nearly passed out on my feet. Then he turned and extended a strap toward me.
“What’s that for,” I asked with terror.
“Beat me,” he demanded.
“Papa…”
“Beat me for having raised a loser! You want to turn out like the Wrong Schwartz boy? Is that what you want to become? Is that what you want to make of me!”
The Wrong Schwartz boy, as he was called, was the shining example of underachievement used by my father and fathers like him. It was shame enough if a child, especially male, was born dull. Shameful, but it couldn’t be helped. Those in my community might shake their heads about boys who simply didn’t have it. They might throw up their hands, but tragedies happen, and they would eventually understand.
To be capable and not hard working, that was another thing altogether. The family of such an offspring might as well have moved to a leper colony.
Harold Schwartz, older than I, in his twenties, was the firstborn of brilliant twin boys. Unlike his super-achieving brother, a Harvard law professor, he committed the unpardonable sin of having brains and not using them. He buckled under the weight of expectation and spent most of his energy making sure he would not be first in anything again. He disappointed every expectation his parents had for him. He was finally cast out of the family when he managed to get a full scholarship despite himself, then lost it due to academic failure, and appeared happy, a successful failure.
My father thrust the strap into my hand and my body shook with a palsy of fright. He made me beat him. It would have taken a lot more courage, much more than I could muster to refuse him. The question of how free of him I might dare to be was not open for consideration. I closed my eyes and pulled back my trembling arm striking him repeatedly.
“Harder,” he demanded. “Harder!”
“Noooooo!” In shame and rage I felt the scalding cry come from my throat. He would not release me. The pain of beating my father was so severe that it made me moan. A river of tears fell from my eyes and down my cheeks until he granted me permission to stop. Afterwards the tears continued to flow so heavily that I saw nothing around me for several moments.
Then I felt intense shame. Shame for failing to be the best, shame for failing my father, shame for crying. My father never cried, I wasn’t supposed to cry either. Crying was weak, and I felt shame for showing weakness.
Having a controlling father ruined my life. I am going to be 35 years old and I am still so deeply traumatized that I think I am going to need professional help. I fight it though myself, and every day is the same. Although, I have moved from home very long time ago, I have left my dear mother with him. And she is the one that deals with him everyday. I call home every week to talk to my mother and of course there he interferes. He has the most profound way of putting me down, and totally destroying my will to live.
Six months ago, I hung up on him and never spoke again, and will never speak to him at least on the phone. I have to talk to my mum secretly when he is not home. I discovered that I was the stupidest idiot for not doing this earlier.
I have always tried to make my father show at least an acknowledgment of my achievements. I have managed to graduate with two masters degrees from the top US universities in international law, I have traveled all across the world. I have worked my way through all the schools and never accepted anything from my father since I was 14.
I have friends and have always been friendly, and kind and nice to everyone. I never get angry, except when I talk to my father. He says the word and I continue to think about it for a week, and it hurts so deeply that several times I ended up very sick. I really believe that I got so emotionally distraught that I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Several years later, I ended up in emergency operating room to remove my gallbladder. I swear on my life, that although I cannot prove it scientifically, I got ill every time he offended me.
I have realy tried to be a good son. But I have never, ever been able to make him happy.
Now, I have realized, I cannot live anymore to make my father happy. Although, it is very difficult to let him go, I have to. If I continue doing what I was doing, being manipulated and controlled from this fucking freack, I will end up dead.
I have decided that in order for me to live and grow old. I am going to have to let him go and never talk or see him again.
To make this thing ever harder, I am the only son, and he lives in Europe where children usually take care of their parents. However, this is impossible now.
I sometimes feel guilty, but I now that in order for me to live, and I want to be alive, I have to stop my relation with my father. He is dead to me now!
It still hurts. I sometimes find myself talking to myself and recalling all the bad words and insults he made to me. I do not want to remember, it just sometimes happens. I am scarred forever, and am trying to heal myself.
As a result, I am totally lost trying to find new meaning to my life.
So, what ever you decide you know that eventually you are going to have to deal with this father of yours. The only thing that I can say from my experience is, do not be afraid like I was and deal with this as earlier as possible. Do not delay. You will become 35 and realize that all you did was in vain. Deal with your father now and show him his place.
Be independent. If you let him pay your school, he will forever mention it, and use it to control you. Personally, I would argue that it is his obligation to pay your education. Graduate and leave the house. Cut of all the ties. He will never change. Never.
There is absolutely nothing more i can add to all these comments…our fathers were made in the same mould anti-folk hero…cast in iron…they will never change.
They are all successful businessmen, who persued wealth and success on the “money will make me happy” fallacy….my father is the unhappiest man I know, and his unhappiness, he feels, needs to be shared. Do not allow this. In order for someone to belittle you or patronize you…they need your consent. Use their negativity and channel it, let it remind you of how different you are from that. Do not fuel the fire that burns their sould every minute of every day…
Its tough, they are our fathers after all, and we do have an undeniable bond to these men…they have shaped us far enough to enable us to shape ourselves. Be strong…
D
I know exactly how you feel and am in the same puzzling position as you are. The only advice I can give you, and only hope to be able to follow myself is to let him think he is right and avoid him demeaning you. My mother has mastered this art, and I can’t manage to ever not stand up for myself when he mistreats me or others around me. His childish “i am always right and you are always wrong because I own you” ways are sickening and frustrating.
As for college, take his money. Your education and an opporutnity to have it is worth evrey bit of taking our fathers’ bullshit.
I feel like I am always trying to make him happy and yet with an insignificant imperfection on my part, all hell breaks loose. Hes nuts… But we have no right to let them know so. I think, as dependent children, we have to take it, and understand that they have serious issues. We will come out stronger people in the end and always know how NOT to treat our family.
Hey.Being part of this strange family of controlling fathers,i can relate with each and every story.i will admit that some are really heart renching and my father for all that is bad in him,doesnt come close to some on this site.my story is such,my parents devorced when i was five years old,they fought constantly to the point of being physically violent towards eachother.i remember one instance in particular,i must have been 4 or so and my father came home late and drunk as usual,my mother then began to berate and taunt him into a fight,so it got violent and i remember trying to stop them but being shoved into a corner,sitting there in tears i felt helpless and alone,why didnt they notice me or care how i felt?this left a scar in me that runs so deep im not even sure how far it goes.
well they divorced i think for the better,especially for my mother.although she was left depressed and unable to deal with us(my brother was born during the turmoil) emotionally for a while after.we lived with my grandparents up until i was 19 or so,she to had a controlling parent in my grandmother.she was also abusive,which i suppose explains my mothers choice in a husband.i remember,i must have been 16 and my aunt(she also lived with us)and mum werent getting along and my gran was on my aunts side which was always the case,for some reason im not entirely sure got fed up t the point where,one morning as i was leaving for school,i heard her beating my mum in the bathroom,i was so shocked i got out of the house as fast as i could.she was partly an influence in my parents marriage problems as well.but she grew us up which deserves some credit,but il never forgive her for that or myself for running.
my mother did try and escape at various stages,and sometimes it worked out really well,but somehow we always ended back with my grandparents.
to make the long story a somewhat short one it came to the point where i had to escape,i had become a hermit,not going anywhere but school and back,not many friends,1 to be exact and my mother after having tried it on our own once more,this is after the incident described above,couldnt cope,so we were on our way back to my gran.i could see how much it hurt my mother,how with us there she could never escape.so i decided to live with my father,to be more specific,his mum my grandmother as he was living outside the country.living with my gran were my cousins whos parents were also outside the counry and were in school,they helped me break out of my shell and for the first time i felt apart of something,normal.my mum and bro had at this time moved back with my gran.i felt i had betrayed them,but felt it might be the best for her and my bro if i were gone.my mum eventually also left the country,with the intention of making a better life for us and sending for us.to me shes finally free and for the most part,happy.
as time passed,school ended,we came to live with my father,and from day one our lives were controlled.i hadnt done well in school,mainly because he chose the subjects i would do regardless of any oppinion i gave,it was a transitional stage in my life,i was discouvering new parts of myself but i wasnt sure of what i wanted to do with my life so i gave in.so having done poorly,he again chose the course i would do,totally out of my interests and only because of some grand plan he has of us taking over hes company,which,because of hes stubborness and wanting to control everything not taking advice,is in debt and could crumble at any moment.ive learnt that my father is an arrogant,hard headed and selfish man whose motto is its my way,even if im wrong,and no option of escape.
so now here i am,25 years old,ashamed of the route my life has taken and desperate to escape once more.the option of leaving is a no brainer and the sooner i do the better.i feel trapped and helpless but i must take control of my life,before there is nothing left of it and my father drags us down with him.i’ll help my brother as well,he feels exactly as i do amybe even more so.my father has gone as far as to ban him from seeing hes own girlfriend,she is much younger than he is but they love eachother and in any event the choice is hes,hes 21!!
you are born to your fathers but you are not owned by them,you are who you are,your life is your own,dont let anyone,espescially your father,decide who you should be.as a man its your right to claim your independance,our fathers have taken away our confidance and will to think for ourselves but dont be afraid,whether im rich or im dirt poor i will be content with the fact that i chose my life and lived it according to my rules.no one knows your heart and soul but you,take the courage to live your own life.
I am 46 year old and have been emotionally and times physically dominated by my father throughout my life.
He is now 81 year-old. Unfortunately, all my efforts to emancipate myself emotionally were unsuccesful. My 50 year old sister has similar difficuties.
Our mother died 10 years ago and he lives in Europe.
During the last days of my mom’s painful end he stood by her and recapitulated all his complaints and made her ask him for forgiveness. All her life she just heard how stupid she is, what a great privelege is her relationship with him. As a young boy, I had sometimes to rescue her from his violent outbursts. I remember one night she asked me to stay with her as my father was out very late, past midnight drunk and she was fearing a beating or a “long conversation.” He has an unusual capacity of talking for hours and hates being interrupted, contradicted. My father, even though he was drunk, figured my mom’s defense out and threw me out of the room and pulled her by the hair into the kitchen. SUch epidoes were common. Another incident I remember clearly is when he kicked me while I was crwaling in fear on the floor. The reason for this was a C in Geography! At that time, there was no escape. We lived in a systemm where family violence was common and readily accepted as a norm. My mother had no resources to divorce him and he is also hard “to get rid of” a man with poor boundaries, very talented to act as social and pleasant and also very good in portraying self as a victim.
Because of him, I decided I have to remove myself and my wife from his proximity. I took the decision to move to a different country. When we aere living in the same city, he was visiting us at any time, any day. His visits were extremely long and 99% of the time we were talking about his He used to come to the hospital where I was on call and stay in my room untill 1-2 am complainig about mother, myself, his inlaws, etc. One night I had an emergency that lasted through the night. He left home and callem the next morning complianing thea the emergency was just a set-up that I arranged with the nurses to have him leave.
I have not seen him since the death of our mother. My sister intends to visit him.
Today I received a letter from him asking me to visit him and also mentioning that my behavior (or lack of!) will attract great punishment at the right time. ANd this is while he is aware of my recent tough times, my wife’s illness, etc….
I have no drop of hate or anger towards him but also I have no inner strength to face him. I feel that he will again load my negative affective memories and will use the time just to revive blame, guilt and make me aware of my insensitivity. I miss visiting the city, laying flowers on my mother’s grave… but I also dread the encounter with him and also the impact he will have on the visit itself. Any word of advice would be gratly appreciated.
I figured I would write this as I’ve read everyone’s stories and feel like sharing my own. Maybe it will help me somehow.
My dad was never physically abusive, he never drank, in fact he never even swore in front of us until we were teenagers. He was quite the opposite. Raised in a very strict religious household, he was brought up in a very controlling environment himself.
For the better part of my life his occupation was that of a janitor at a local High School. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I believe it led to him feeling inferior in our society which is so judgmental regarding jobs.
At any rate, he never really taught me to do much, because he was so impatient. Trying at anything would result in getting berated about how I was doing everything wrong. I remember him doing this from the time I was little and learning to play baseball, all the way up to driving cars.
He’s also intensely jealous, especially of my mother if she spends time with my sister and I. He views this as time that should be spent on himself, and we are taking away from him. The world owes him something it seems. He can’t possibly see things any differently than his own strict religious views either.
It’s very interesting, because it seems that on one hand he wants me to succeed in life, but on the other he can’t stand being out done. The resulting inaction has left me 19 years old with major self-confidence issues, as I don’t feel prepared for any of the challenges in life. I was told from an early age no money would be saved up for me for college.
So at this point in time I have essentially got a full-ride scholarship to an in state college, and have even got a job for the summer so I don’t have to return home. You’ll often find with these “My way or the highway” types that if you do indeed take the highway, they’ll soon realize the errors of their ways and try to backtrack; don’t let them.
My advice to everyone dealing with these problems is GET THE HELL OUT of the situation. Learn to stand on your own two feet. I’ve left home now at 18, and I’m never living their again. Sure, living on your own is hard, and you can’t have everything you want. Sure you may have to get loans and eat Top Ramen for meals for a couple of years. But at least you can look yourself in the mirror in the morning and know that you’ve earned everything you have, that you’re not worthless and incompetent, and you no one anything.
It sounds like you’ve already taken your dad’s money anti-folk hero, but I would advise against it. It’s just more ammunition for them to use. Going alone sucks, but at least you have your pride, and their’s nothing they can do to take that from you.
When my father hugs me, he makes me feel like crap. Yell at me for an hour, make me cry, give me a hug, says, everything will be okay. I don’t spend money on cigarettes or alcohol – I barely spend money on clothes, but this penny pinching pound foolish supposed parent has begged in the name of God to a clerk in the store to take back a non-returnable item. I had my own bank account at age 22. Any money I earned before then went to him, therefore I paid for my schooling. He yells at my mom, makes my sister cry, thinks we, the world, all against him. Argued with another clerk in the store, embarassing my mom, for a dollar. I am anxious since it seems he wants to hug me. No physical abuse though. His hugs make me feel small, dependent, worthless.
Being religious – the dilema – respect your parents regardless, as some interpretations would say.
I don’t think so. I am accountable only to the Lord. The first Believers left their fathers, not always kindly.
I can’t even stand up for my mother, the real strength, when she is being yelled at.
I think I have just finished things with my dad. He is a self confessed perfectionist and control freak. I have made some decisions lately that he does not agree with ( to do with MY children ). I have just had it he told me last weekend that he has failed miserably as a father and that my husband and I were blithering idiots….Ive had it I love him so so much which makes this hard as when he is good he is good but I need to do this for my own sanity it takes up so much energy. My mum and I have vowed not to talk about it and my children will go and visit them not them come here and I dont want to stop him been a grandad its not their fight. AGHHHHH !!!!!
Wow, I’m shocked at how similiar many of our experiences are with our lawyer fathers. That description you posted fits my dad as well to a T. He’s a great financer but expects total control in return for his help. He expects everything his way and if you deviate he’s quick to call you ungrateful and totally shoot down all hope of a different path. He gets offended if you don’t take his help and is quick to change his personality to adapt to whatever crowd he’s playing to. What’s funny is that he is genuinely well-liked as well. Once he was reading through an old diary of mine , after I’d left for my freshman year of college, and found a passage where I referred to him as a hypocrite. Granted, the writing date was three years prior to when he found it. To this day he still talks about it and how offended and hurt he is. Currently I attend the school he chose for me, am taking the major he also selected, and am scheduled for law school. Nice. What I wanted to do was sing opera but no…I got a scholarship. Not used. Its his choice or nothing, which is very frustrating; however, once out of undergrad he’s not paying for grad so I can do whatever I please.
I’ve really been touched by all of the replies that have been posted on this story since I wrote it about a year ago. I wrote it during a frustrating time for me, where I felt that my Dad wasn’t listening to me and charging forward with his plans for my life. Like the most recent poster, I wanted to be a musician. I still write music and sing today (you can check out my site at http://www.youtube.com/antifolkhero) but I’m currently attending law school. On meeting more people who have these same difficulties, I feel like I have a few insights into the difference between myself and my father. He seems to come from a generation where people grew up with less and worked harder. His work ethic is beyond what mine has ever been; however, he is extremely emotionally closed minded. He refuses therapy and will not talk about anything sensitive. Effectively, he has shut off his emotional side (or so he thinks). The truth is that he has suppressed a great deal of his emotional personality, which has warped and skewed the rest of his life. Like trying to push the top down on a pot of boiling water, this never works. Instead, things will still bubble over, just into less healthy, more abnormal places. Like controlling behavior, anger, frustration, etc. To me, his problem is that he won’t relax enough to be honest about how he really feels about anything and instead uses his success in business to trump anyone who might question his real happiness. I don’t hate him or pity him, because he has a good life and is a good man. He has just buried a living part of himself and will never get better until he digs it back out.
Mmh that man sounds like my dad, although he is not divorced nor shouts at my mother! The guy has PhD in psychology, he has us, his guinei pig childrens to control since birth. Unfortunately for my siblings am the only one who survived to ran away so i could heal.
My sister is pschologically burnt from his criticisms, she has a baby, by the pro paps wants the kid to live with him. My sis marriage failed famously.
My brother is an alcoholic, and i …..well i tried killing myself 2 times. That is when i realised, this family wasn’t worth to die for, so i left and never returned.
I feel sorry for my siblings, for the in trap, his darn trap. when they try to escape him, he makes them feel guilty, like they don’t love him.
For petessake the daughter is 34 years old!!!
take your dads money and swallow your pride. you only have one dad and he wont be around forever. anyway, once you are doing something out there he will change, just you see
Hi to all of you above. Felt I had to add my story. I am 61 years old, would you believe, and have only just stood up to my father. Growing up, he was o.k. as a dad, but liked his own way in everything and would throw his dummy out of the pram if he didn’t get it. He used to like to upset me and show power over me and consequently, I grew up with not much confidence. Fortunately I met my husband (at 17 yrs. of age) and was fortunate that he is a kind man who, over the years, has given me back some of my self confidence. However, all through our married life my father has had to have his little say if we or any of our children did things that he didn’t agree with, he just couldn’t help himself. He has fallen out with many people over the years, including my brother (who he didn’t see or speak to for 4 years), his own brothers, his work colleagues (he was an inspector for the Council, so had quite a bit of power over quite a lot of people). I have always taken his snide comments and put me downs, not having a lot of confidence in myself. However, my father is now 88 and in reasonable health and my mother, who is and always has been a lovely mum, is now 86yrs. My mum is not in the best of health and since then, my father seems to take the attitude that it is not his place to look after her and that I should be round there every day (they live close by) to help. We have had 3 children who now have children of their own, whom we like to see. I work part time still, (since when my father thinks he can organise the days that I do not work) and my husband has had serious health problems of his own, but I am happy to help where I can. However, that isn’t good enough for my father, and when I tried to tell him that I would help, but that it had to fit in with my life also, he said that we just couldn’t help each other then, making me feel bad. A couple of years ago, things exploded when he said that I was a bad daughter for not visiting every day. My brother, who is retired and who my father expected to do his gardening (my brother has had a heart bypass, like my husband) has put help into place. They have a cleaner, a gardener, and now social services go in to bath my mum who is a bit unsteady on her feet. I have just had another argument with him, as he threw it at me that I should be going round every day and that I could not call myself a good daughter, insinuating that I was not welcome there anymore. He makes me feel like S–t, and my husband says I shouldn’t get upset and should just cut him off, but I feel that I can’t leave my mum and not see her anymore. At the moment I am going round when he is out, sneaking about behind his back, which is just awful, but soon he will not be going out anymore and he is just getting rid of his car, so I will have to visit when he is in – he says he will go out of the room , but there is an awful atmosphere in the house when he is there. He shouts at my mum, but she is a touch old bird and will stand up for herself (but she has heart failure and is not steady on her feet), but she is so dependent on him and I fear that one day he will hurt her. I feel that I hate him and would really like to cut him out of my life, but I can’t while my mum is alive. I realise that I should have moved away years ago, but it is too late for that now. We did move quite a way from them years ago, but my father forced my mum to move near to us (planning for his old age I guess!). I would just like to advise anyone who is young and suffering a control freak of a father, to move well away and build up your self confidence and believe in yourself again – you are well worth it!
I was lucky, My father died of cancer when I was 13. At the time he died I was very upset but I distinctly remember how I was the only one in my family who was honestly sad. Everyone else, my mom, brother, and sister were all “relieved” that he was dead. Now, I know your all going to be like, “oh thats so awful, How can you say that about your dad?” but trust me, I later realized that his dieing while I was still young is the only thing that saved me.
My Brother and Sister were both really screwed up by his crazy behavior and mood swings. Like many fathers, he made a lot of money and was in charge at work with everyone under him doing whatever he told them to do. That type of power over people makes even the BEST of men go crazy and build up a massive ego.
I am so glad I was able to grow up without my crazy dad ruining my life. To this day, my Brother is 48, my sister is 51 and they both still have social and mental problems relating to the way my dad treaded them as kids. He was a true asshole who could make you feel like crap about yourself. No matter WHAT YOU DID it was not good enough for him.
I’m 34 and very paitent and loving with my wife and our kids. I have a job but it’s not very stressful so I can have a much less commanding role in the family and at work. My wife’s father however is a classic example of the way my dad was. He’s a 57 year old CEO of a company, makes around $250,000 a year and is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. He is a nice guy when he wants to be, but he can also treat everyone like puppets when he wants to. My wife’s mother is a complete slave to his every command and the ironic part is he treats her baddly yet she would defend him to the death if anyone tried to insult him.
So strange.
No,
They don’t change. I’ve been “doing something out there” for 20 years after leaving home, and have had a career any father could be proud of. But it’s not good enough—-it’s never going to be good enough. In spite of the tens of thousands of dollars my father paid for me to be educated, he has no interest in what I learned along the way, through and since that education.
I’ve done it his way all these years because I only have one dad and I kept hoping he would come to respect my point of view on things. But it’ll never happen. It’s a losing game. And it’s all a game with him—every conversation someone has to win, or lose. And it’s all black and white and there’s no in between.
Not only that but he still thinks George W. Bush was a good President.
There’s just nothing left to say. I’m tired of the insults and the condescension and the pop psychology. I’m tired of being the one who always tries to communicate. I’m tired of being the one who has to shut up and just take the crap.
These relationships are toxic. For each toxic relationship, a healthy possible relationship will falter or suffer because of it—-breaking away and getting that bad energy out of my life completely is the only thing that’s helped.
It’s really too bad. Because I appreciate how short life is. I just don’t think he does.
You’re not my brother are you? I would swear we grew up in the same household. Probably not, though. My father was not as successful as yours.
He did have many friends connected to his business. He is retired now. Eighteen years. No friends what so ever. He managed to alienate himself from every one. He calls his children daily to try and control over the phone. It’s sad. I believe he knows how he is. He just can’t help it.
The only thing you can do is tell yourself that somewhere, someone in your dad’s life did a real number on him. Try to see it from that view. It helps.
Diana
Wow, I’m so surprised at how so many of these scenarios sound like my own. I plugged in “dealing with a controlling dad” and this was the first link on google 🙂
My dad is also like the one that has this amazing capacity to talk for hours on end and gets enraged when contradicted. I thought it was just part of the whole controlling Asian parents thing (it sort of is) but my dad in particular is very dominating and completely self-absorbed that he doesn’t even care how others feel. And yes, he seems to do well outside the house, has many friends and no one knows his real side.
I’m 26 now, and until my last year in college I put up with his crap and tried so hard to be the model daughter he wanted me to be…but it was never good enough.
To make matters worse, I became Christian during college and since then, He’s been blaming everything that he’s dissatisified with in me on my church (and not on Christ, isn’t that funny).
It is really hard; and I don’t know when things will get better. I want to be loving to my parents so running away or cutting ties isn’t an option…but when will there be a turn? 😦
Story of my life. My dad flipped out when I became Christian in college. And I am 27 now and he is only getting more controlling like buying a house for me without my consent.
thank god im not the only one who has a father exactly like yours! my dad is so controlling. Just because he paid for my school tuition he thinks that he can rule over me when it was not my choice to! At the end of the day i have always said that i value my pride and happiness more than i do money!! He is so controlling that he said that he has to choose my uni for me but he is thinking about places so far away and i want to go to london where all my family is like my half brothers and sisters whom he hates as they are his step children and has been violent to for many years. He is so insulting to my mother and insults her to me as well. He has now left our house and got a new place for himself although he still comes in because he has a spare key! It annoys me because he is obviously using us so we can do his washing and make his dinner. He also has the cheek to say that after school he is picking me up to take him to his new place to clean up for him. I dont believe in the word hate but someone who is as horrible as my dad does not deserve kids he is insulting violent, rude and very vindictive as he is always planning up things to hurt my brothers and sister and my mum i really want to get away from this and stand up for myself.
please comment on yuor opinion on what i should do
my story begins like this
i wuz always a failure in my dad’s eyes from as long as i can remember. when i was a boy, i would come home with a good report card(80’s 90’s), and he wouldn’t even bother looking at it. As i grew older my marks started slipping, and the verbal and vioolence began. he startred using the belt on me, and using me as an example to my sisters. he would simply hit me in the face if i never greeted him, and told me that i had the manners of a dog. i was always trying to figure out if i was a mistake or something. he tries to fill me with self-doubt and indescissiveness. he doesn’t want me to do anything unless he has a say in it. i sometimes wished i was dead because of him. thank goodness i’m not alone. its nice to no that their others out there who’ve gone through what i have. i don’t feel so isolated anymore
thanks guys:)
I just wanna keep this short but i wanna say that I have the same problem.
My father doesn’t respect me for who I am and expects so much from me that it’s tearing me apart on the inside. He controls me every day to the very second. He tells me who my friends should be, what he believes I should be doing, everything I do is a failure to him. I have no options left, I can only stay and take his abuse until I graduate from college. Afterward my plan is simple. To move away, move away and never come back.
My dad is just the same as all of yours. He is always right about everything and everyone else is always wrong. He belittles everyone and constantly criticises and deamens his children and our mum. No one can reason with him. Whenever we try to talk to him about how things are he manages to make himself seem right. He has educated all of us children but like someone else said in one of their posts has no interest in what the education has taught us or how it not shapes our lives. I think it all boils down to control. As the children turn into adults they fail to realise they can no longer control.
He also manages to make himself seem like a victim to other other people and is friendly and happy with other people. It’s as if though he hates his children who he should love the most.
Unless people are in the same situation they fail to realise how this type of father makes life into hell.
I understand what you mean exactly.My dad’s almost exactly like that.He wants to control my life 24x.He’s ruining my life.Being a Christian,I’m trying my best to react appropriately to his anger.People say:Talk to him.Impossible.
He’s yelling right now.Just spending this time online may make him cut off Net connection.
I can’t wait to stay on my own-someday.
Hope you’re doing better.
Get out of the house and live on your own. Take out a loan and find a cheaper school if need be. Don’t take a penny, as it will only be used against you and lead to endless frustration. When I left home, it was the smartest thing I ever did. Live, Work, Learn, Have fun, Then work some more, and keep good records so you dont inadvertantly become like your father in the future.
What did you end up doing? I would have chosen the big loans, which I did, and graduated and paid off my loans. I am now 42 and am still dealing with my controlling dad who wanted me to run his company. This is the 3rd time I have gone to work for him, and he still has not changed. He is 79 years old, and still thinks I am almost worthless, regardless of my success rate outside of this company. Just love him because he is your dad, and tolerate his existence and strive not to be like him.
Heh, no one has asked me what I ended up doing, but in the end I decided to take the money and go to law school. I’m currently in my third year. I don’t see my dad as much as a I used to and I think our relationship has improved because of this. The truth is that my Dad’s attitude and controlling personality are mainly based around money, and now that I am paying for everything (as of this year) we really have nothing to fight for. I know that my Dad wants the best for me, but his discussion of money always makes him crazy. I love him even though I hate the way he acts sometimes. No one is perfect, but I’m so happy that this post has helped so many other people to vent their frustrations and find camaraderie with others through the internet. Thanks for asking.
I understand that you think taking his money initially would be smarter, but can you really learn anything with the price your father puts on any and everything looming over you? a price that at least in my case is always too high? If you don’t take his money he will respect you more in the long run, and he will notice that you became who you are going to be very soon all on your own, and then neither he nor anyone will ever be able to manipulate you or berate you ever again. My dad really makes every ones dad on this board seem pretty good (sometimes psychological control is worse than physical abuse) and I’ve been trying to find a way out of his Stalin-Napoleonic spawn created labyrinth of expectations and total control for years, while trying to finish med-school. So if you were to do this on your own, please write about how you did it, you would be my hero…
I am glad that you are now in charge of your life! So sorry to hear that you had a tough time with your father.
I am a Mom in the same situation with my oldest son. My husband only wants the best for him but it is coming out all wrong. My son is 17 and if he does not stop and look at his father when he answers a question, my husband says he is ignorant and that video games are more important. Then he tells my son that he does not think my son should work with him on the coming weekend. He dangles the part-time job over his head. I told my son that as soon as he gets his driving license he should find a job of his own, even if it is only min. wage. My husband lending our son the second car but I think that it will be a tool used against him later on. I think my son should offer to pay room and board at his grandparents house or aunts house so that he can pay for his college and won’t have a controlling dad that takes things away when it suits him.
I don’t understand where this is all coming from but I guess you could say over the years I did see it coming. I am not a controlling mother and I have a great relationship with my 2 boys. They are always respectful to me and my husband asks why they are not as open with him. Well, even after I tell him to try and remember what it is like to be a kid and put yourself in their shoes. Try to be understanding, caring, respectful and be there for them. Not dictate all the time with an iron fist. He has never hit my children but words and attitude can cut like a knife.
My older son will be studying to become a police officer next September. I only hope that the stresses of studying and dealing with his father will not be too much for him.
Now, my younger son aged 13 is starting to get the same treatments from his father.
I think we should all go for family councelling. Maybe that would help.
reading your description of your dad was pretty much like reading a perfect description of my own dad. he’s driven and a genius at his job, but when it comes to family, it’s completely different. it’s like he’s on perma-pms and even being around him i get scared of pissing him off. he’s so volatile i often just go days without talking to him. but that pisses him off too. so i’m not really sure what to do. it’s like treading on broken glass. somehow, the more i try the angrier he gets?
i’ve thought about the whole independent, providing for myself sort of scheme, but really, i’ve been so conditioned into living off my parents that i know i won’t do it. i’ve just resorted to comforting myself with the fact that i’d rather be wasting his money than wasting my own.
well i guess i won’t have to deal with it now. he just walked out because my mum wouldn’t turn off the tv. honestly. grow up, or leave me alone.
The realness of all of your lives has hit me so hard in the gut. I don’t know if that’s the right way to put it, but anyway, I really admire everyone’s thoughts on this.
Well, to start out, I want to say that I can quickly relate to many of your dysfunctional father-son/daughter relationships. It hurts to know that so many talented and open-minded people, let alone families, are being held down by the unsolved inner conflicts of disrupted individuals: Mainly fathers or parents.
My life has always revolved around my father, and I can tell it’s been the same for my mom, brother and two sisters. Lately, I’ve realized that what he does to us can’t be helped, and there isn’t much to do right now. (Mostly because none of us have graduated high school yet. Yes, I’m really young, 15, actually in my freshman year but I’ve gone through as much, if not more, than the next guy) He’s always acting as if everything has to go his way, whether if it’s what we love that’s “in the way”, or if it’s just him trying to impose the lost parts of his childhood into our lives. He always fights for “his way.”
One recent example, (it actually happened an hour ago) which greatly affected my older sister, was my dad realizing that she was calling “a boy” too much on the phone and lectured her for an hour, telling her that her life was wasting away and she was destroying her future. In fact, that was her boyfriend and I’m glad that he didn’t know that or else she might have suffered worse. The bad part is, is that her boyfriend IS part of her life and I know this because I know both of them very well. (Him and I are actually really close friends and the three of us have a really good relationship.) By trying to impose, my dad has effectively lowered her self-esteem by how he talked to her, which was by intentionally intimidating her and giving her constant shit about how one’s life “should” be.
He has physically hurt us all too, including my mom, who is really stronger than the rest of us, but this is because of two reasons: It is custom to hit your children to teach and discipline in my foreign culture, (Korean) yet this exists just as much as in most other cultures too. The second reason is because he believes that we must be punished for anything we do wrong, but not for the sake of others we might encounter throughout our lifetimes. Instead, it’s because it gives him a satisfaction of being “right.” I believe he hasn’t matured emotionally, whether it may be his fault or not.
(I’m not saying that I’m more matured but my lifelong vow is to be a positive influence on everybody I meet in my life, and I’m improving on that every day.)
I don’t know of what he specifically does to everyone else in my family when they are “punished” but to give you a clearer picture, he has dragged me around by my hair and clothes, scoffed at me when I cried, and has threatened to disown me many times. I hate this because I know I was born smart and talented, but what can I do if he might actually make me feel like none of that matters? I have been depressed before, but stubborn, I still stand up straight and never attempt to hurt myself. But that’s just me; all people are different. Right now, I can look at my life and say that my glass is half-full. I have so many caring friends, and so many opportunities in my life, so I like to keep on moving.
I’ve heard it’s been good for many people who’ve gone through the same thing to have left and gone far away to grow, but as of right now, I think it’d be better for me to worry about that later. I still want to avoid bigger conflicts by working my way toward a full scholarship and a better self-image so that one day I might be able to stand up to my dad. However, I feel that I should also try to find a better way to get rid of problems like this for others so that the entire flock survives. Not just the one bird.
It truly sucks to have your life so negatively affected by the lifestyle of someone else and their actions, even if those things may not be intentional. Actually, it really makes you wonder about how life must work. How so many people suffer from depression, fear of rejection, state of worthlessness, and emotional scars, yet there isn’t much we can do about it. I mean it’s true that life is unfair, but the same patterns of human mistakes continue to ruin so many lives. Plugging that into the world and reality, it seems so pointless and enigmatic, yet we may never know why life is that way. It’s really sad when you understand which I think all of you do.
Reading your guys’ comments and looking at everything else, it seems that this is a really big problem everywhere in the world. I mean that brothers, sisters, friends, even boyfriends and girlfriends are being emotionally abusive to the ones who love them, and are stuck in a hole only to be saved by a rare chance or miracle, if ever. If people would change, then so many other things would follow, like if the people in the Middle-Eastern conflict could accept others and resolve their differences, then no innocent people would have to lose everything. (I don’t really know how they could actually, because different religions have gotten so many people to believe in harming others to “better” the world, but hey, if we could get everyone to understand each-other, then maybe there wouldn’t be an ongoing war.) Yes, this is a controversial conflict, but it sort of emphasizes my point.
I could go on, but I guess I’ve already done what I’ve wanted to do, which is to hopefully help others understand mine and others’ situations.
Thanks for reading, even if you’ve read only a paragraph of this monster. Hehe
To all of you guys, I just want to say, no matter what, keep moving forward! There is always a beautiful light in life. You just have to find it. 🙂
Thanks again, this helped me a lot as well.
Hello,
My story is kind of different, but with a controlling father mo doubt.
Me & my twin sister are both 19 years old.
My father loves us.. Too much.
I would say he’s obsessed with his daughters.
When I was younger, I loved spending family time, he didn’t encourage friendships, but as I grew older I saw the toll it was taking on my life..
He’s the kind of father that will snoop through myspace accounts or read text messages..
He doesn’t allow relationships and can manipulate you into thinking you are at fault for everything, even throwing in tears.. He makes me feel a failure at everything, & I feel guilty when following my dreams. My sister is a singer, and he can spend hours a day just looking at her old videos, really creepy. He doesn’t work, and gets mad when we tell him to go find a job.. This is especially annoying when we get home from school, having to write essays & he still expects us to clean the whole house, while he can’t be bothered to even lift a finger.. I have a lot of resentment towards both life & him.. I feel my life has been a failure so far.. Even though I love him to death, even looking at him gets me mad.. I wish I could have had the kiss at 16, sneaking out, tons of friends, good grades, SUPPORT, confidence @ an earlier age.. I’m not like a loser, but I have missed out on a lot..even my sister, who is truly his favorite, sometimes resents him… I am planning on seeking counseling & moving to California.. I need to live life, but I can’t do it with him here with me.. I need to put some land between us before it’s too late. I’m young. I have time to make up for lost expiriences & I will. No more controlling father. Sorry. I know it’s not as bad as other cases, but I am still very bitter & felt the need to let off some steam. Thank You. 🙂
Yo so I’m 11 right my dads not crazy he’s great he’s one of the most rayest dads u can ever get well u got to respaect them as in dads for who ur and he is there’s nothing u can do about it so get over it and live life to the fullest but any ways all b u people dad hater suck because my dads there for every thing and he dose not hit me so I lisen. And he’s the one to get me to my moms when its super uncumterble sorry but no dad in the world can’t love he’s chieled. U are a human bean and your dad will be there for ur first sport game and poop u make and heat beat that’s heathy come on they got to love as he will also be there when u get ur frist sscrach yeah he will enbarres u but I love my dad I would eat pigs poop I would kill anyone who kills him or trys………………………………….u have to live with him for 20 yrs so get over got back to where ever he is and apoligiz for any thing u did wrong say I was being a big brat and yeah this is is my dad crazy. Com but I don’t care i v be thourgh missery and pan infact I have a long story but u don’t wwant to hear so peace rember live laught forgive and forget respect
You know… that’s great you have a nice dad. I don’t think a lot of people here are making this stuff up or looking for pity parties, just answers and solutions. Some of us I am sure (I have) tried apologizing, but I realize I’m not a bad person, or a failure, and the only reason I realize this is because I have a very good friend who taught me that I am.
Be thankful you are young now. You have time.
You just described my situation and my father….
Your independence and self-esteem should be #1 and if your father cannot be respectful towards you now he never will.
You probably try to be a very strong girl, making sure you’re perfect in your daddy’s eyes…
But guess what? Control freaks can have issues with anything! That can include your boyfriend (not successful enough), your job (not prestigious enough), your intelligence (even if you were mentally impaired your dad shouldn’t be insulting you).
My family is well off, but I had to drop out of college because my father thought that having a less than a 4.0 GPA was not worth it. He just told me that after my first year with a GPA of 3.5, considering the fact that I was working about 20hrs a week and was involved in the school life.
He didn’t let me have a dog at the age of 17 or 18 because he didn’t believe I could take care of one.
He made me pay my own cell phone and was insisting on me paying my own car insurance and trust me, I DID NOT EXPECT THAT when I was about to go to college. I thought I was going to join a sorority and party.
I’m going back to school after spending a whole year working 60hrs a week to learn “work ethics” and be more “appreciative”.
This comes from a workaholic, who never spent any time with his 2 kids and on the very rare occasion when he had the whole day for us it felt like bad babysitting.
This comes from a man who has always had girlfriends and has disrespected his wife.
Everyone is a hypocrite, but my father is an outrageously whimsical control freak….
By the way, I’ve done that Excel price comparing too. He LOVES spreadsheets. “Life is nothing more than spreadsheets” he told me once when he criticized my financial irresponsibility.
I love my dad, I know his hard lessons will help me out in the future, but if I could have had this another way I would have taken loans and stand on my own feet instead of having him mold me based on the model daughter he has in his head.
I do admit this experience has shifted my priorities though.. (parties bore me and I’ve started thinking about money a lot)
What’s up Antifolkhero,
I too am in a similar situation. I’m fairly certain the root cause of why our fathers are like this is because of the society in which we live in. Since our society is based mostly around money, private ownership, and generally a high stress society, things which grow in this environment have negative outcomes psychologically and in recent popular culture, environmentally.
Anyways, I was/am searching a way to help my father and have come to the conclusion to just stay positive and know that there is good in everyone and keep enforcing this fact with him and hopefully it will eventually effect him positively.
And since society is the main cause of all these similar problems, the only we thing we can do of real everlasting positive effect is to help shape our society into a more loving, peaceful and less stressful society. Good luck with Law, hopefully you can change the law game for the positive!
I’m 44 years old and my father wants to control me because of his $$$. It’s a very long story but it’s not worth it to me. I can’t do what I want at 44 just for the promise of someday having his riches. It’s been a battle and we are both very stubborn but I think he needs to find someone he respects and give them his money. I am probably walking away from millions but what good does lots of money do me when I am old. I would rather just have what I have now and live life my way. I love my father but I will not suck up for his $$.
I am also 44, divorced with 2 teenaged sons. I could have written this comment! My father is just one of my several clients, but his business is intended to be a legacy. I live very nearby, close enough that I see him several days a week, art which times he always wants a detailed spreadsheet about how I spent my money. He’s always been controlling, but since my divorce, in the last few years, it comes off newly obsessive around money. Seems like he is trying to get everyones affairs in order before he dies, but I resent his need to be involved with money I earn.
I’ve got to reply to this, my dad isn’t a lawyer but wow he’s a control nut. He picked my college course and wants me to go back saying “do you want to be a loser forever” and similar sentiments. All I can say is I’m nearly broke and homeless but was told by psychics that if I ever go back I’d likely 1. leave or 2. go crazy his e-mails vary considerably from one to the next, pretending to be supportive but only if it’s done his way. Infact he thinks if only I do what he wants it will work out, he said “just do what I say.” ahahah wow, he’s totally nuts I know it, and I think I’d go crazy living with him again. I moved 3 times so far god help me I’m 29, but the employment situation sucks in the USA there’s no jobs anywhere and people generally treat me like shit when they learn I have no degree. I’m not sure what to do but I fear the future, especially involved with him. If I for some reason couldn’t pass the classes in this course he chose he’d say “what the hells the problem they’re not high level courses what the hell you stupid kids just do it pass the classes.” He even threatened to enroll me himself and said “if you don’t do it I’ll make sure you get stuck with the bill.” I was like wtf?! I call him the Nazi because he is just like one. Hell god help me 😦
Hi everyone,
Well my dad is more or less the same as most of your thats why I am on this site. He has forced me to study Software Eng though at first I choose it but after two semesters, I realized it was not my dream career so I tried to change it but he refused. I wanna be a Musician. This and all the other controlling behaviors like his wanting me to do everything his way from my morning preparation routine to parking the car.
Does anyone has a solution? A website, a book maybe or how you overcame it…were mostly talking about the problem without the solution.
Please post it hear and also send me a link to my email address. I promise to post a solution ones I get one.
All the best to y’all.
Hey ppple, check out this link. It will give you an idea of how to start the healing process. http://www.wikihow.com/Cope-With-a-Controlling-Parent
Oh wow
I cant believe that its just like my dad.
Today morning when i was asleep, he screamed and yelled at me, nearly killing me by shocking me. It was about not shutting down the blind right next to my bed completely and I was not wearing pants during sleep. (arnt some people naked? when they are in bed?)
He is also a control freak, and self-centered person who’s also paranoid as hell all the time.
But most importantly he thinks of family as his some sorta property or some shit that he doesnt really need but still has to control. He yells at my mum if she uses some strong colors for her make up and he yells at me if I take too much time dressing up. He literally thinks girls are ‘sluts’ if they dress some shorts and wear lots of make up. Basically ‘girlie girls’ mean ‘slut’. I try hard to ignore him however I am almost not allowed to wear anything looks too short or skin revealing clothes in front him.
Mostly he also thinks females as males’ property. His father thinks the same way, so that is whats going on now.
I guess except above all, the things u said is exactly the same. I do think my dad is such a baby who cannot control what he says to others and he is immature of expressing his any emotional statement or accepting emotional situation from others. Funny thing is if he is sick like catching cold or some shit, he try so hard to get treatment and help from family but if my mum’s sick, he doesn’t even look at her until she is so sick that we need to call ambulance or sth. Isn’t this terrible?
When they got married, my mum was working at the same company as similar place, and when dad started his own company, she helped him half way of building it cus she is smart. However now as she stays home and doesnt earn any money, he thinks all the money he earns and any business going on were all done by himself. He literally acts like he is the best and he yells at her whenever she doens’t cook the way he wanted or give him the right answer he wanted to listen when they talk to each other.
I mean, I dont understand. If he always wants other to give him the answer he wants, why does he talk to a human? He can find a machine that always answer what the way he wants.
Overall, he is dead seriously crazy. And I got to tell you that he does pay for my college and he acts like shit to me because he is so sure that I cant do anything without him. He always mentions to me that I have to pay him back or sth. I mean this is not the family relationship that i have. This is another business relationship that is totally bonded by money, not love or even friendship.
Hello,
Bulliesbegone.com is an excellent web site in handling abusive parents and/or coworkers.
After reading your post, I immediately felt validation in knowing I am not alone. Abuse hurts.
Best wishes to all who read or post on this site. There is hope and healing.
I’m a girl and my father isn’t successful. Not at all. However, he seems to embody a lot of your father’s characteristics.
Yesterday I realized how helpless I am when it comes to “talking” to my dad. He was upset because I had done and not done something: he had called earlier and asked me to make a pot of rice (a simple and easy task I assure you). What I had neglected to do was pick up the two pieces of paper that were in the computer room when I stepped in there for a second to close the window and shut the blinds because he is antsy about it. When he comes home and reminds me about the rice telling me, “I would like to eat too” I get up and make him rice. I felt bad about that one, I had honestly forgotten. And then he asked who had been in the computer room. Obviously this was leading up to something. I said I did, just for a moment because I saw the window was open and I went to close it. He asked me why, oh why, did I not pick up the pieces of paper on the floor and went into mini-lecture about how it was so easy to see and that I wasn’t appreciative and helpful. Ok. Normally, when it comes to things like that… he picks whatever it is up. So I kept eating my wonderful BK meal. Minute or so later he gestures me to follow him, “come with me” and we walk. To the computer room. Where he lectures me about the paper again. I stand there while he is talking again about his parents and how he was such a good boy. Honest, the paper was overshadowed by the other desk in the room. And if you had done what I had done, with other things on your mind, I doubt you would have noticed it. But that didn’t matter. And then he got mad at me for not picking it up right then, so he squatted down, picked it up and fluttered it close to my face and set it down on the desk. “So easy” he must’ve said. He interrogated me again about how it was in plain sight and that I should have picked it up then, right after he reminded me and just now. I told him I thought he was still talking, because he has this awful way of not sounding finished. I also told him the reason I didn’t pick it up is because that he normally picks things up and tells us about it. Back into the living room, I repeat it again and he said, after being annoyed and sighing, “How many times are we going to pass by that word ‘think’?” My father has this thing about the word “think” or any form of and constantly throws at us to ask if we don’t know because it is better to know. I had a pretty good reason, I thought for the paper. Because he did it every single time. It was bad enough I had forgotten something earlier that day, I was dead tired and not thinking. For my brothers and I, it is unacceptable to forget.
What do I learn today? My brother has taken care of the business I had forgotten to get to him about because my dad wanted me as back-up. My dad is still mad at me and tells me that I and my older brother are problematic and being selfish and that basically, we don’t do anything (its his tone that seems to give off this assumption). So I am going to apparently have a talk with him when he gets home (which by the way, hardly ever happens – like he forgets or he just decides we aren’t going to talk). I got in trouble because I didn’t feed my eight year old little brother, who I had taught how to make ramen from those little packages, who happened to be cooking himself something to eat. Because I am selfish. Because I want my little brother to have some sort of sense of independence and won’t die or do anything if I am not with him as my dad seems to give off. I am not sure. I have to be downstairs. I am 18. My older brother is 20. I am going to college soon. Why is he being a prick?
I can sympathize with a lot of your stories, everyone who posted. He does the most irrational things, is emotionally immature and acts like he knows everything. I am so sick and tired of feeling like shit because I can’t please him and I have hit the point where he boils my blood because he helped give birth to me. I hate that I am a part of him. I hate that people who don’t know me see me as like him. I HATE it. But thankfully, I have someone who keeps me sane. Who loves me and whom I love but who my dad also hates and suspects we have a relationship. He is such an ass to this person, outrightly saying he wants to punch them in public?
Unfortunately, he also has a means of paying for some of my college. We’re pretty much hurting for money but he has this thing called the GI Bill. I should be able to swing and knock out two years. The thing is… he seems to resent that I am going to college – he wants me to go to the expensive schools that there is no way I can afford nor want to break my back paying for if I can go to some other place cheaper and do the same damn thing. I have this thing, I don’t want to be in debt for the rest of my life. I wonder whether or not I should just drop and leave because he doesn’t have to give me the benefits – and doesn’t seem keen on doing it either as he has asked me from time to time, “Why should I give it to you?”
God, parents like him suck. My dad has divorced twice, is dating and I wonder if they are going to get married sometime. Outlook doesn’t look well, she doesn’t speak fluent English and he seems to genuinely be pissed off about it when she asks him questions.
I am so ready to start my life but so scared. I am so unprepared.
Yet I am lucky. Someone’s got my back and my stepmom is really supportive plus she knows how much of a jerk he can be.
I grew up with a verbally abusive father. Most of my childhood memories are of extreme anxiety and fear from my yelling father. He didn’t just yell, he was extremely frightening. My mother was quite the opposite and also suffers from the same verbal abuse. I believe my father at times had good intentions, but his insecurities would get the best and his rage would come out. Always blaming me for things that I never did, or always thinking mother was cheating on him. I had to endure listening to his insecurities about about their sex life and how he believes she always wanted other men. Now as i was growing up i figured this was normal. Even during my “rebellious” teenage years I figured it must be my fault. the familiy situation was always mothers fault according to father. I had moved away for a number of years but an injury caused me to lose my job and unfortunately I had no choice but to return home until I was able to work again and become financially secure. Now I know better. I am not the crazy one nor is my mother. In the last decade or so my father has started talking about strange relious and UFO beliefs and has imagined UFO visitations and some imagined crazy connection with god. He expects us to “remember” predictions that he never made and exaggerates the significance of minor educated predictions as “a godly holy gift” he now believe i was concieved in a ufo. My mother kinda sits around and tolerates his abuse. I am stuck here and if i don’t say anything or i outright disagree with father, he goes ballistic. He is very manipulative and i can’t understand how he can be so intelligent and insane at the same time while family friends are made to believe all is hunky dory.
I feel that all of this has done some damage to me mentally. I feel incapable of making good decisions and I am constantly anxious. I barely weigh 100 lbs and i am feeling sick all the time. I can’t get away from this worry. I am stuck. I have had uncontrollable thoughts of suicide. I know that deep down my father loves mother and I. I do not think he can help himself. He can be very generous and smart…wonderful and caring, but he flips like a switch. I am at a loss.
I thought I was the only one with a dad like this I read this and every point is spot on, my father is a succesful buisness man at the top of the company and is very controlling it is his way or no way. Even if he is wrong he will find some way to prove he is right. I’m in the same position I have the choice to take the money for college and a car but be at the mercy of him or have enormous loans to pay off but have freedom I would really like some help on this
Honestly, take the cash. The control continues but you can save yourself a lot of misery as an adult if you have less debt to repay. Then once you’re out of school, you can move away and do whatever you want.
Hi antifolkhero,
you’re first post was 5 years ago and here you are still posting and it sounds like although you are still harboring resentment, you’re taking your fathers money and dreaming of the day you will break away. I’m 48 y.o. and my thinking was the same when i was younger. when our father offered us money, it wasn’t an offer from generousity and selflessness, it was a hook, a trap to be used later. although he would say that he wanted us to be sucessful, i noticed that each time we should evidence of independence, he would come up with a long lecture and bring up the money he gave in the past and “what did we do for him all these years to show thanks?”. if we didn’t take his money, we would be confronting him on the spot and he would say something like “pay me back the other money”. It doesn’t end and if your father is giving you a choice to take or not take the money without pressuring you more if you don’t consider yourself lucky. and in addition, if you have a choice to take or not take the money, and you do take it, then you really have no one to blame but yourself when he complains later. myself, my brother and sister really had no choice without reprocussions. if we took his money, we agreed to be slaves to his controlling and verbal abuse, cheap shots at his whim. if we didn’t take the money, he would call and harrass and beg and bullshit and say what ever he needs to, to pull you back into his web to make your happiness depend on how you treat him. If you don’t treat him “correctly”, he has no problem ruining days, weeks, months until you submit. I’ll repeat, here you are still contributing to this blog. if you’re satisfied with you father and have open dialogue with him and he respects your independence and you’ve cleared up remorse and the future with him in your life is one of giving selflessly to each other without suspicion or keeping track of who calls who, that great, if not, take it from me and don’t take another cent from him.
I have to live with my dad because of a hardship right now and it sucks I have 3 wonderful kids andy dad is controlling.My mom and dad are divorced my dad has been smoking marijuana since before I was born.He got fired from the airforce also.I wanted to do babysitting but it’s hard because to get a license they do a home inspection that will never work for me.The kids that I do babysit for sometimes come over and he smoked why’ll they were there so I had to leave.He makes it seem like were so welcome there when I feel like crap everyday.He bought a 3 bedroom home and he’s single with a single garage.To me seems a bit selfish to buy a 3 bedroom home with a single garage. We moved in and he has all of his stuff still in the closets we have hardly any room in there.He always criticizes people like he’s better than them.Then he tells me things like “well my mom never raised me like that” like if im raising my kids wrong.When I bought a new car he tried to talk me out of by telling me for the kind of person I am that the car wasnt for me which I have no idea what that meant.He’s totally judgmental he does things like after I fix my shower curtain when I get out the shower he’ll go fix it his way don’t really understand that either.At night when before we go to bed if I come home late I will turn on the home alarm then he’ll go down stairs and turn it off then back on them off again.Like I if I didn’t do it right or something?When I’m cooking he would come down and tell me how the best way is to cook and in other words I should do it that way.One time when I was marinating some steaks went to go add something that I didn’t need.I understand how you feel though but I think you can use the money towards your schooling and still don’t have to put up with his behavior.There are healthy ways you can react to when he states to be in controlling mode.I have learned to deal with it because I can’t change my dad so I just pray that something will come through for me so I can move.Although he is still me dad and I pray for him also but at tomes it’s not easy with me to deal with.My dad has issues Not to say that I don’t but it’s unbearable sometimes I want to just get up and move on the streets than rather deal with him but I stay and it’s also not healthy for my kids.My daughter has caught bronchitis from him and my some had been having a foe my caught that he’s never had before.I can’t do nothing really I don’t tell anyone my situation cause it’s not something I can just tell anybody.Also I don’t have a place to sorry to saybut my mom hates my guts she hates all her kids guts i struck it big with 2 abusive parents.Well I hope and pray that things get better or at least a little bearable for you.
God Bless
Wow. I’ve done a search so many times on “controlling dad” and “controlling father” and yet this is the first time I’ve seen this! I’m 25-years-old myself and have had to grow up with a controlling father, stuck living with the ‘rents for the time being because of the financial situation. It took me a long, long time to realize that his insults on my behavior or my appearance (he is obsessed with trying to make fun of how pale my skin is, my moles, ANYTHING–but mostly my pale skin) is simply an extension of his insecurities as a human being who was neglected by his own father and didn’t receive the psychiatric help he needed growing up (he has OCD so badly it has caused permanent damage to his stomach/intestines from his constant worrying). I had to come to terms with one thing though, and that is that there is nothing I can do to change him, and that the problem does NOT lie with me, but with him. I used to take his attacks very personally and hold in all my pain at his unkind remarks, thinking, “I really must be as stupid/irresponsible/lazy/ungrateful as he’s told me I am.” Nothing I ever did was good enough for him and it helped drive me to clinical depression/anxiety because I couldn’t understand how he couldn’t just accept my efforts, even when I did extremely well on something and fell into the trap I think all of us have–I tried to spend hours figuring out how to get him to accept me and reciprocate the love I felt for him, until it made me run down. I took piano lessons and got gold pin medals. Wonderful! I aced English throughout school. Bravo! But as soon as I tried talking about my love of video games and how I wanted to get into graphic design/programming/digital art/animation nerdiness, I’d get glares, nasty remarks about how stupid it is, and “I’m sick of hearing about it. Talk about something else that matters.” If I wasn’t performing in some academic achievement that made him look good, even vicariously, or if I wasn’t “doing as I was told”, then I wasn’t worth his time or praise. He even recently told me “Do you think you’re needed around here? Wanted around here?! Because you’re not! And you can take that to the bank.”
Quite recently my father finally showed himself for the kind of person I’ve always known him to be, not through the usual verbal abuse, but by physical abuse by taking out his insecurities on my then 20-year-old brother, all because he refused to watch T.V. with my Dad. When the police showed up, my father smugly proclaimed how “proud he was that my brother could put up a fight like that”. I’ve never felt so appalled and mortified before in my life. He’s now due for a misdemeanor court date coming up.
Meanwhile I’m due to get an interview with a certain fruity computer company that I’ve long adored, my brother continues on with his college, and I finally got my mom to join me in seeing a therapist.
It sounds like you’ve moved along nicely with your life, antifolkhero, and I’m beginning to move along nicely with mine. It’s a long healing process, recovering from a toxic relationship, especially when it’s from a family member–but to anyone contemplating suicide I say this: Don’t give up and throw in the towel! Things will get better as you get older and can make more of your own decisions. No matter how awful a controlling person is, they will have to face three awful (well, for them) inevitable truths: they will eventually die, you will eventually come of age and become an adult, and YOU ARE NOT A WORTHLESS PERSON. To paraphrase the poster in the lobby of my therapist’s office: YOU ARE YOU–AND YOU ARE OKAY.
My father isn’t rich but he is smart and he is an abuser. I remember all the times he said he would change over the years I grew up, it never lasted. He never hit my mom from what I know but he constantly belittles her and everyone he knows. He keeps or on a tight leash whenever he is home and won’t allow her to go to social parties with friends or even if it was a work party on her first day on the job. I think he does this so she can’t find someone else that might make her happy and he knows he’ll lose her because somewhere inside he knows his being a monster will only make the choice easier for her.
I know how he thinks, he’ll be talking to you with a perfectly normal face but inside his head he is seeing your flaws and all the stuff your talking to him about is most likely offending him in some way. He does this to everyone he meets but no one knows since he doesn’t show it.
My mom and him had arguments just because of little things the she did. Even on their wedding day and at their honeymoon. She said she should have seen all those little signs about him long ago. Like how he criticizes other people and his surroundings or how he talks to the maids and make them cry when they were dating. I would not mind not being born if my mom had made the choice of dumping his ass before they got married. I would understand. All those years she has been with him, just thinking about it is depressing.
I know he is smart, that is how he controls our family. He never wants us to go to our close relatives(They live like in the same neighborhood as ours in 3 houses hats 2mins of walking away). Even his own family hates his guts but puts up with him only because of us. Whenever we want to spend time with our other relatives he gets mad and says things like “Your family is HERE not over there!”. Even when we tell him that he should come, he always refuses. Always whenever he gets home from work before he would constantly drone and tell stories about how abused he was at work and how everyone is a lazy ass, corrupt pig that always take advantage of him. My siblings and I used to believe him but now we know better. Even though he is smart, he is lazy and can’t get a steady job probably because of his attitude but always he chalks it up to whatever place that employed him their fault. But all of his jobs like that? Fat chance. He is a slow, lazy, angry but smart person.
The only time he’ll admit ever being wrong is when it benefits him and he can throw it in your face later on. He keeps tabs of every mistake you ever made from forever, just so he can bring it up for all his arguments. When you point out a mistake in his logic he’ll just throw out the point of the argument and make it about you not giving him respect and looking at him badly. He’ll even say “Don’t cry! I SAID DON’T CRY!!!” and “STOP crying or I’ll hit you with a belt! Is that what you want?! Huh?! Is that what you WANT?! I’m ASKING you! Do you hear what i’m SAYING?! ANSWER ME!” also ” Don’t look sad! Stop your face from doing that!”. Really how on earth would me and my siblings be able to stop doing those at the time?
He’s also a big hypocrite. He always asks you to do things for him even the little things he could have done himself. He’ll say things about how amazing he was in the past that he could do all sorts of things better than anyone. Always about his younger times and how more terrible it was back then compared to how were living now. How his suffering so much just to make our lives better or how much sacrifice he has given for us. But we’ve had to make sacrifices of our own just to put up with him and his lazy and complaining ass for so long. He also likes to say how he could have done things better yadadada if he had time and skills you or someone had. He keeps talking if only your mother(grandparents or siblings) believed in my idea we could have been rich by now. It’s never his fault from his point of view. It’s just a matter of pushing the fault into someone or something else.
Also for some odd reason we noticed that at the end of the week he starts being less angry but after church on Sundays he always starts fresh and usually as soon as were out of the church his back on being angry full steam. As if going to church just erased all of his sins the past week and he can continue on sinning as he wants. For someone claiming to be intelligent, his logic and wisdom is somewhat lacking.
Were not rich so even I had to postpone college for a while so I could earn some money first. But another bad thing about him is he likes spend money on a lot of stuff even on a tight budget. Whenever he goes out he guilts or forces one of us to come with him against our wishes. The reason we hate going with him aside from everything else above is because he also shops the longest. Even girls don’t shop as long as he does. But the bad part about it is he’ll take forever to shop around but only comes out with 1 or no item bought and you end up coming back over and over again.
He is also immature and acts like a child sometimes. I’m picky with food, I know that but this guy makes a huge tantrum that only gets worse when he doesn’t get what he wants. He’ll either walk out angrily after complaining and insulting the food at my mom(or us if we ate something he wanted) and buy food outside.
To his credit, he doesn’t drink or do drugs(at least not that we know of right now). But he does smoke a lot. He lies about this and other stuff as well just to make himself look better than everyone else. We gave him an e-cig before and he really couldn’t turn the gift down seeing as it was a cheaper and thoughtful idea that would make him look good for taking it. But he ended up switching back and offered a lame excuse of how he read on the internet how e-cigs MIGHT cause cancer. We looked at him like “Does he really think were that stupid?”. Most likely, yeah. Whenever we talk about his bad habit he always gets angry and starts spewing out our faults and tells us to drop it or he’ll be the ones on our cases forever.
I wish we were at least rich. It would at least make things a little bit better trying to live with him. If ever I win the lottery, I’ll be leaving for another country far away as possible where he can’t find me or at least not without me knowing about it first. I’ll also probably leave something for the rest of the family that he can’t touch or control from them.
Independence, my chance at freedom but still will have a chain because of my mother that is still married to him.
Wow, I never realised so many of us had the same problem. I have been trying to deal with a dilemma; i came across this page and thought i might as well share in a brief part of my story. My dad unlike many of yours is not a lawyer but a businessman, he has made tonnes of money- then lost it but somehow managed to pick himself up and make that money again. For a long time he was living away (work related) but would visit us (my mum, sister and I). He then moved back after finding out my mum was pregnant with twins fourteen years ago and since then i do not remember a single day without a fight or argument.
He was in his past abusive toward my mum but way before me. He is a man who insults us and yet expects the world from us. In essence i feel used by him. Recently he was diagnosed with oral cancer. I work in a Bank however, have always somewhat been keen on business, therefore early this year when he went away for radiation, he pulled me out of my job (made me apply for annual leave) and had me sit in for him. He never explains/sets out any kind of job description or list of sorts to help me understand how i can contribute to the business. If i do something then it was wrong, if i do nothing then im too thick. Yet i always find myself wanting an approval from him- i just do not understand why. Other than financially he has never been there for me, or my sister and for that matter not even my mum. Recently his cancer spread and he was required to go away for surgery. Without a doubt i took a sabbatical from my job as he wanted me to help in the business. Him and my mum are business partners too and we have a fairly small business. Anyhow he wanted me to help out so as usual i did. I also offered to travel with him and be a caregiver however, he claimed his family stresses him out and he would rather not have us. When he left we came across some messages and realised he is having an extra marital affair! I am so angry because this is a man who talks of values and principles but he is the Hypocrite. I was invited to a wedding away from home during December (paid for in India) and i was unable to ask him whether i could go, as he was unwell and i wanted to ensure he was better. Despite knowing he is having an affair, he has still managed to hold his forte even though he is not physically with us. Anyhow, once he was discharged from the hospital after a month, i asked him whether its okay for me to travel, as i never have been to India and it would be a great opportunity. He said im selfish in a nut shell. My mum tried to speak to him a couple days after and he said as opposed to going to India i should have offered to go to him for a week. I didnt mention earlier but his caregiver is his girlfriend- at this point he is still unaware that we know everything. I dont know what to do, if i go i will forever be taunted but for once will stand up to him and let him know my mother is also a parent and thus responsible (she wants me to go but she never stands up to him for me). If i do not go i will always taunt him and rebel and i will perhaps to spite them all ,not even be productive at their business! I have an amazing boyfriend who has always supported me and guided me for my dad, but now even he suggests i need to stand up for myself. I know i will never get this approval i crave so much. I need some advise, would it be wise to go?
My father is exactly the same. I had the urge to punch him in the jaw because he is the most controlling person I know. I don’t even try to debate with him on politics, history, economics,etc etc because there is no convincing him. He can’t accept the fact that he is wrong sometimes. I love him but I also despise him. He tries to control every aspect of my life, telling me how to dress, what to watch, how to talk, who my friends should be. Honestly I grown so pissed off that I think I might lose control one day…
I got on here because I’m going through a very tough time, and I’ve reached the end of my rope with my father. It’s extremely tough. I would like to vent on here, too, and explain my situation, if you guys don’t mind, because I find myself in a very similar situation.
My father grew up in a controlling household overseas, to two depressed parents who constantly criticized and put him down. Whenever he was in high school, all of his grades dropped suddenly and he tried to kill himself. He then moved to the USA for college and apparently was able to shake his depression by going to dance clubs, DJing, and sleeping with women.
Then he manipulated a beautiful woman to sleep with him one night, and accidentally knocked her up. That woman was my mama. After my mother gave birth to my oldest sister, the shit hit the fan immediately. My mother has told me stories that on their wedding night, he hit her. And it only continued from there on out. They eventually had another child (my other older sister) and then me. I’m the youngest.
When I was young, I didn’t really have a terrible childhood. My mother was such a good mom, and I loved her so much. She was always letting me know how much she loved me, always telling me how proud she was of me, and took care of me like any mother should. I do remember always being scared of my father, though, because any time my mother would treat me kindly, he would tell her that she was stupid and turning me into a pussy. It made me very self-conscious and scared in front of my father…but I would look past it at such a young age…after all, he was my father, and any young boy wants to love and be close to his father.
I liked the moments whenever I felt close to him, but there were also other times that I hated being around him. He used to always complain about any time I had fun. If my sisters and I were even heard laughing together in another room, he would tell us to shut up. My mother used to take up for us, and that would of course cause fights in the household. There was also a HUGE culture clash between he and my mother, which definitely did not help matters, whatsoever.
Whenever my sisters got into high school, he went even more nuts, trying everything in his power to control every single thing that they did. She was turning into a woman, interested in boys, etc…coming from the background that he did, he just couldn’t stand it. He went overboard and tried to control every aspect of my sisters’ lives. That resulted in more standing up from my mama, which resulted in more fighting. I saw my sisters and mother get the shit beat out of them several times. But I was too young to do anything about it. I hated him more and more by the day…but then I would feel like a bad son for hating my father and always end up somehow finding a way to give him an excuse and make it not his fault.
When my eldest sister graduated from high school, she was immediately shipped overseas to go to school against her will. She suffered a lot there. My mother tells me that she hated my dad so much that day. Then the same fate happened to my other sister a few years later. My mother had a mental breakdown, and couldn’t nurture me or care for me how I know that she wanted to be able to. She just didn’t have the mental capacity to do it at the time. I was a freshman in high school at this time, so I didn’t really understand it in this way quite yet…I just knew I felt alienated from my mama and my father. My mother divorced my dad a year later as she couldn’t take it anymore, and I was left alone with him. She constantly asked me to come with her, but I didn’t want to leave my life at school and my friends behind. She moved in with my grandfather about 100 miles away. I stayed with my dad, and coped the best way I knew how.
The next 3 years of my life were very confusing. I absolutely HATED being alone in the house with him. He was very frustrated and alone from the divorce, and I was alone in the house with him, so he always just took his frustrations out on me. Every time I was in the house with him, I felt my self-esteem completely disappear. I walked on eggshells constantly, afraid of him putting me down for the next thing that I did “wrong.” So I eventually found my comfort outside of my home…I was good at sports, and really really good at singing, making my all-state choir 3 years in a row in high school…and it became my passion.
I went to college, and it felt like a HUGE burden was taken off my shoulders. The eggshells were completely gone, and I disconnected from my family…I didn’t talk to my mom a whole lot, because my dad had used his time alone with me to brainwash me against her. I wanted to sing in college, but he absolutely made it out of the question for me. I had many fights with him about it. Eventually I gave way because “he was my father and he took care of me my whole life.”
Now that I really look at it, my father just wanted me to become a dentist or a doctor because he wanted me to make money. He wanted me to make him look better in the community…essentially he has been using me as remedy for all his problems…as a last-ditched effort to convince himself that he is a good father. If his son becomes successful financially, then it was all because of him, and that makes him a successful dad.
He controls me by paying for my car, telephone, and using parents’ status in our religion. He barely a fucking cent for my college, because I got a full-scholarship to the University of Oklahoma from my academic performance in high school…but he tries to take credit for all of that, too. I just graduated from OU in December with a 4.0 GPA…but he also finds a way to not give me credit for that, too. “If it wasn’t for [him], I wouldn’t have ever made A’s.” Sure, I realize I need to thank my father for the fact that he financially supported me throughout college. As a decent human being, I will thank him…but I made my grades.
My dad also was very lonely since he lost everybody…so he has made every effort in the entire world to control me. If he loses me, his last hope at somehow reviving his dead soul and proving to himself and everybody else that he wasn’t a failure, then he has lost EVERYTHING. It makes him control me so much, it’s absolutely ridiculous.
All the manipulation has completely fucked me up over the years. I suffer from confidence problems even though others tell me that I have so much to be proud of myself for. I started dating a girl my freshman year of college that was so great to me, yet I found myself often times acting like my father towards her. She broke up with me, and it destroyed me even more. I tried my best to bounce back, but I just couldn’t completely feel the same as before for some reason. But I still functioned highly in school, and depended on God to get me through all the tough times. I learned from mistakes of the past relationship, and told myself not to repeat the same things with the next girl.
The last semester of my senior year, Spring 2011, I met another girl. She was awesome. I fell in love with her quickly, and fell even more knowing that this girl could help me escape from some of the crap that I was facing with my dad. She helped me cope to a certain extent, but then one day I found myself completely numb to her. I was scared as shit that I was gonna start doing things that I did in my last relationship. I didn’t repeat those behaviors, but I had bouts of numbness toward her. Eventually, I completely broke down. Completely. I could no longer cope with life, as I had lost all coping resources. I was in a major pursuing a career that I had absolutely no passion for whatsoever, I had a bad image of my mother, I had emotionally disconnected from my sisters since they had been gone for so long, I didn’t trust my father worth a shit, I had lost two girls that I loved at this point. I had no motivation to go anywhere anymore. I didn’t where to go or what to do with my life. I was frozen, and I couldn’t find any way to pick myself back up. All of this made me lose a large part of my faith in God, because I didn’t understand how he could allow all of these things to happen to me. I had tried my best.
And this is where I am today. 23 years old. Now trying to get into dental school, but not having the motivation to do so, whatsoever. Searching for a motivation to keep going, to keep moving in my life. I tried to leave my dad to go to my mom’s last month, but she struggles too much. I didnt’ have a car or phone, so I couldn’t get a job. I’m also afraid I cannot keep a job, as my mental stability is absolutely terrible. So I’m afraid to work. I’m afraid to go into public. I’ve been bumming for pretty much a year now, and cannot figure anything in my life out. Why? Because my father has complete control over me and makes me feel like a shitbag every time I make my own decision in life. I don’t know how to make decision on my own, and I feel like a fucking loser because of it. I don’t know how to break out. I’m too scared to go anywhere. I’m too scared to become my own person, because I feel like I can’t overcome what I’ve gone through. It’s too deep rooted, and my brain feels like it’s too wired.
This sucks.
After reading these stories my father does not seem as bad, but I will say that I am just now learning to let myself cry, finding out that not everyone expects perfection, and learning not to fear men. I am finally beginning to heal and learning how to fix my relationship with my father. I appreciate the people who have written their stories on this site because it is a testament to that fact that no one is entirely alone in dealing with this. So, thank you…
My father is of coarse exactly the same. His own father was controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. My dad Is verbally abusive. His excuse is “I’m nothing compared to my father and at least I don’t hit you”. I remember realizing my father was more strict than usual when I was young, primary school. My mother is an enabler and a doormat. She takes his side even when he’s wrong and abusive. She makes us aplogize when he verbally abuses us. He hates his own father, yet does everything”just because that’s how he was brought up”. He used to yell at me “to not be a sheep and think for myself”. Yet he does everything just coz his father did. He screamed in my face and verbally abused me when I stayed out once and I was over 18. Yet he just leaves sometimes without saying even where he’s going. He really is the biggest hypocrite. He says no one leaves home at my age and I’m 25. Yet I cab prove him wrong. And yet my cousins my age have already left home and have kids. Then he’ll brag about his new recruit at work who is younger than me and is married and has a kid. WTF? He calls me selfish, yet he has a vintage car and two motorbikes. I paid for my own second hand car. I went to therapy but it didn’t help. My extended family isn’t close and we only see them once a year. What do I do?
All these comments on here have really been a sanctuary for me to calm down and evaluate my situation for what it is. I like practically all of you have a dad who is just so impossible and sometimes downright frustrating. I of course managed to..i wouldn’t say ruin my life..but I am just now graduating from college at 26 when I started college at 20 years old..thinking about the last few years makes me physically ill. I of course was a child..first and only son who was verbally abused right from the start..I even remember peeing on the couch once when I was 5years old just cause i was being forced to master a videogame the way my dad demanded i should..everything that was supposed to be fun became the opposite. My friends know me as the larger than life and crazy fun person but at the same time..the other side of low self esteem, neurotic-ism, excessive doubt and just worrying just kept on muddying my whole persona..Before I knew it, i had grown into this confused individual..The first day I arrived at university was the beginning of the end..everything went downhill from there..it all feels like a bad movie..A lot has happened..its very painful for me because looking back..I see i wasted time trying to please or even get the attention of a NOBODY in my life..as harsh as it sounds..that what my dad has always been..just because something is connected to you strongly doesn’t mean anything if there is no corresponding value attached to it.the value must be visible and effective in its function..paying for your son’s school fees and sending pocket money doesn’t mean shit!!!..now I know unfortunately..i come from a traditional and hypocritical culture where things like verbal abuse are shunned before you even utter it and ppl THINK you owe them everything. I have one younger sister who I truly love and who has managed to unknowingly be my rock through everything..my mom and I are also very close and her groomin me in using my christian faith to cope has been my saving grace..she literally saved me cause I think i may have turned into a monster or something really ugly..I’m now just recovering and i have vowed to pay my dad back all the school fees he “unselfishly” helped during my years in college..its quite a hefty sum but I am not going to be giving him any part of me anymore..all he was to me was a means to stay afloat in college and graduate while taking so much disgusting verbal abuse..Im done with school now..so much going on in my head..Dunno how next to proceed.
Holy crap. My dad. Right there.
I hate using his money. He used it in an argument once about how much he spent on tuition for my sister and I (“close to half a million” he says) and I felt so guilty. So I’m not using his money. I’m going to start working and pay my own damn uni fees. Zero guilt. Zero obligations.
Hi, My name is Barry J. Holden, I’m from North West Georgia and I can firmly identify with you when it comes to having a controlling, dominering father. My father has spent his life being controling. I use to work with him in the summertime as a kid for $7.00 a day. I was eight years old and he would belittle everything I ever did. He would often act as if I wasn’t gratefull when he paid me. He would say that I got paid when I sat my feet under his table. I felt that I should’ve due to the fact I would work 8 to 9 hours a day everyday for seven dollars. Another thing he used to say is that you don’t pay for your raising until you have kids of your own. I felt that I paid for my raising as I went and I once called him on that and he said that I was an ungrateful and sinful brat that he didn’t owe anything. I use to along with my twin brother would work all summer to help buy our school clothes and he would say that we should buy our own clothes and learn responsibility. This kind of thing went on through my whole life. He once made me get out the bed when I had the flu to go help him do a patch job. It was the only time I ever said no to him and he got mad and hit me. I went ballistic and I beat the shit out of him. He said that he raised 4 kids and that he had worked when he was sick and didn’t feel like it for me a bunch of times and I should do this at least once for him.
After high school, he would call every mistake I ever made and correct me on it. I worked with my father as roofer from the time I was 15 until I turned 24 years old. He never once made me a partner nor my brothers, but he would pay my uncle half of the money on every job he contracted. My father only paid me $9.00 and hour and I did as much work as my uncle and knew as much as he did. My father hated me going to college because he said, “I need you to work with me on the job”. He even once told me, “I wish you had your education business shoved up your ass.”
I went on to college and I graduated with my associates degree and he would often remind me that he didn’t even have a high school diploma and that he was still smarter with his accomplishments and achievements in business than I would ever be with all of mine combined. On the day of my graduation, he asked me when I was going to get a job and start paying rent. I eventually got a job and I moved out and that made hime mad and angry because he wasn’t getting rent money from me. He said, I worked and raised you and you think that your too good to live her and pay me rent and that my actions weren’t right. I later, graduated with my batchelors of science degree in education online. He didn’t even bother to congratulate me, I failed one class and I owe the school $3600.00 and my father said that my education wasn’t worth what it cost me to get it. He still thinks that he is some sort of superior being and that everything I do leads to failure and that I will never be the man he is or was for that matter.
Today, I’m 35 years old and I’m living with my parents. Unfortunately, I have no where else to go and I’m without a job right now and finding a job that pays descent money is hard to do. I give my parents money every week to help buy groceries and other things. My father still makes it known that it his house and that I’m supposed to kiss his ass as long as I’m there. My father thinks that he is the most important being in the world and he even tries to make me view him as the center of the universe or something to that effect. There are times that I would just love to stomp him into the ground but I don’t like him holding the fact that I live in his house over my head either.
When I moved out of my parents house when I was 24, my father would often whine about needing help with cutting the grass and other things that needed doing around their home. He also reminded me that I and my siblings will someday inherit that house and that we should show him respect if we are going to inherit his home. I feel that he isn’t right for the way he feels, since I spent my whole life working my ass off for him anyway. I feel that my inheritance is already been earned.
I still have bitter feeling towards my father and I no doubt always will. My father even belittles my mother who has done nothing but try help me everyway she could. If it wasn’t for her I would have never got to enjoy anything growing up. that I wanted to do. My parents will be married for 43 years in August and they have been married most of their adult life.
I wonder how I’m supposed to get ahead when jobs aren’t easy to find.
I often remind myself that I have more education than my father does.
I also have more debt than he ever did but times weren’t like the were in the 1990’s. The economic situation of recent times has caused me to have to move back in with my parents. I sure wish that this nightmare I’m in would soon be over with soon. I’m really trying to find a job so I can get back out on my own.
She kissed a guy. So what? Big deal. The world is not going to end. She liked to hang out with her best friends in a place called Marina. Every weekend she’d go with her best friend and sit at this coffee shop, laughing and having fun. Her father got suspicious one day and decided to hack her phone and find out what she has been up to and why she’s been going to this place so often. And so he did, he read things and found out about things he was not supposed to find out about. He not only went through her personal conversations but through her friends too. He confronted her, screamed at her, and was acting like such a baby… going on about how her reputation is going to get fucked and so is his. He said that he didn’t know who she was anymore and he cannot trust her. He prevented her from seeing her best friend, her sister. He also went on about how these things shouldn’t even be on her mind right now and that she should focus on her studies and stop wasting time on things like this. Little did he know that she was one thousand percent focused on her studies, had an average GPA of 3.5 and her teachers absolutely loved her. She works well in class and puts her studies before anything. Her father read her conversations and didn’t think she was the type to swear or have a boyfriend, and apparently found out something really bad about her best friend, now he thinks she is dirty and is a bad influence on her. What he doesn’t know is that I just kissed a guy once, I didn’t have sex with him, and that it is NORMAL. I’m a teenager and I’m going through puberty and I’m on this experimental mode and I’m emotional and I just want to try things but I know that there is a line and in my opinion I haven’t crossed it yet. The biggest hypocrite I’ve seen is my father. He rambles about how I should be focused on my studies while he stays at work till 8 p.m. at night doing what exactly? His colleagues finish work at 5 p.m. and I’m taking a wild guess that he probably wastes his time on learning how to hack and spy on his own daughter. Now, I am not allowed to see my best friend, he questions where I am going and suspects she is with me. He follows me to check if I am not lying. I can barely go to any of my friend’s gatherings or parties because she is going to be there. The only people I can see are my family, and I’m tired and sick of him and this house. I feel like I’m trapped and I’m about to suffocate. I spend a lot of my time crying because of him. He is literally abusing my social life. I understand that it’s his job to try and be the best father and he wants to protect me but reality check, its not working. Our relationship has been officially ruined. I dislike him and his ways and I cannot handle him anymore. He is constantly screaming and yelling at others and believes that whatever he thinks is however the world should think. Not to mention that he is always right and cannot be wrong. He is always controlling and I cannot help but feel bad for him. He thinks I don’t appreciate what he does for us which is give us our own rooms, phones, laptops and TV’s, pays for our schools and etc. but we do. I am the eldest out of three children and unfortunately have two younger brothers who only care about video games. My friends are my family, they can relate to me the most and I feel so comfortable with them, they’re trustworthy and they don’t judge me. Now that he has prevented me from seeing my best friend, I can’t see any of them. I always miss out on the best times and get pissed that I couldn’t go. Especially because those are the years I’m supposed to have fun at. I don’t know what to do anymore; I’m about to lose my mind.
My dad is just like yours, except a deadbeat who doesn’t contribute anything to the family except his psychotic, negative b/s. Be thankful you don’t have financial problems.
I have the exact same problem. -.- its depressing me it really is I can’t get away from this