by anti-folk hero
Ah, fathers. Few have anything good to say about fathers. The best father/son relationships usually involved a father who taught his son to be just like him. The musician father with a musician son, the preacher father with a preacher son, etc. Then there are the loads of criminals in the world who claim to have been abused or neglected by their fathers. No matter what your relationship to your father was, however, one indisputable fact is that fathers have a tangible effect on their children no matter what they do. Whether that relationship is good or bad depends on the personalities of both people involved.
Let’s talk about my father for a minute. He is a very successful professional who is at the top of the company he works for. He has a team of elite, intelligent people working under him, doing his bidding, and generally just trying to profit off of his hard work. He financially supports my mother (whom he divorced over fifteen years ago and who still lives on alimony), sends his second kid to a private school for 30k a year, and is probably going to help me out when I eventually get into higher education later this year. Sounds like a great, helping, encouraging guy, right?
To be fair, he can be a great Dad. He got me into music by telling me stories about different musicians as I was growing up. He also forced me to start taking guitar lessons at age eleven even though I really didn’t want to. Almost everything he has ever predicted about my life or what would happen to me has been right on the money. So where is the issue in my relationship with him? My dad is a control freak. There is no better way to describe him. He has many personal insecurities that he cannot control that manifest themselves in negative behavior towards others. He’ll oftentimes be dead wrong about something and yet find justifications for why he is right and everyone else is wrong, often involving verbal and emotional abuse. He is aggressive, uncompromising, and decidedly uncooperative in just about everything. “My way or the highway” could be his personal philosophy.
Yet people still like him and deal with him. He has many friends, most of them through work, and he is well respected by his contemporaries. Now, you may be saying that I shouldn’t be so ungrateful, as he is giving me money for school. But at this point, I am sick of his money and sick of his shit.
An example: Today, I brought him a spreadsheet I had made outlining the costs of a cross-country trip to visit several of the schools I was accepted to. I laid out flight costs, dates, hotel prices, even trains prices from some cities back east back and forth. I got the absolute cheapest prices on flights that I could find (which is better than he could do). Upon sitting down in his office, he took the piece of paper to me, and then berated me for ten minutes about how stupid I was, how I should find the cheapest prices, insinuating that I was dumb and arbitrarily put up more expensive prices on purpose, and even accosting me for not realizing that flying to Ithaca is much more expensive than flying into Syracuse or Rochester instead (to save money). In the end, he has done nothing but yelled, complained, and generally insulted my intelligence in the most aggressive, mean-spirited way, and said nothing constructive at all. He had alienated me.
My father is a man at the utter whim of his moods. He can’t control himself. In many ways, a child has more control over the responses he chooses than my father does. If he has a bad day, he’ll be rude and contemptuous towards everyone around him. “This isn’t what I wanted for dinner!” he’ll shout at my step-mom. “I specifically told you that I only eat Norwegian potatoes, not these Idaho pieces of shit! You knew that! You’re just serving me these worthless, disgusting potatoes because you don’t listen. Maybe you should stop watching all of those idiotic TV shows and pay attention when I tell you these things. Its really not that hard to do.” Then, the same day, he’ll be half an hour late to a family dinner, forget about his son’s basketball game, and space out on a bunch of other shit entirely. HYPOCRITE.
This is my read on his personality. I see him as emotionally immature. Here is a person who has some serious insecurities that are deeply buried. He can’t control his fears and desires, so when he feels like he can’t control himself, he tries to control others. Being an intelligent person, he is quite successful in controlling other people. The effect, however, is that he alienates the people that care about him. He treats them like invaders or strangers and his attitude couldn’t be less inviting.
At this point in my life, I’m realizing that there are two paths I can take at this moment. If I take his money for college, I’ll be in a weaker position to call him on his bad moods and at the mercy of his bullshit. If I don’t take his money, I’ll have to take out monster-sized loans and repay them later in life. However, I would have my independence. What do you think? Is the independence worth it? Please share your stories about controlling friends or family members if you have them.
43 Comments
March 19, 2007 at 8:22 pm
Hm, a toughy.
However, you’ve nailed your dad down expertly.
Intelligent people- truly intelligent people, like your dad, and more importantly, you and I (since we’re the younger lifeblood of the future, and since I feel our generation, or at least the liberal part of our generation we’re a part of, are more caring, sensitive individuals) can get reads on people so close to perfect merely through practiced observation that I’m quite sure you’ve read your dad right.
Never mind that we all have our stubborn phases; when someone wrongs you in a specific way, and you respond by seeking the root cause behind their actions, you are typically in a position to, well, come up with the correct answer to the causes of said behavior.
Sorry for rambling; it’s just to say don’t second guess yourself if you might consider it- you HAVE boiled it down to your two choices: take your dad’s money and be beholden to him, or take the hard road and do it yourself.
If you are planning on higher ed, I take it that means 4 years of law school. That places us at 2011. Since the world will enter a phaseof “10,000 years of peace and light” in 2012, according to the Mayans, Navajo, and other substance-imbibing, prophecizing peoples of the past, you will have 1 year of needing to worry about paying off loans. Then nobody will have any worries.
Thus, Id suggest you focus on guitar. And writing.
March 20, 2007 at 7:18 am
I can appreciate your ideas and I think that I will definitely keep focusing on writing and playing the guitar. At this point, however, I’m going to go to law school, both to enrich my mind further by delving deeper into a new field and also by giving myself the chance at entering into a meaningful career. You can’t change things from the outside, as far as I’m concerned. I want to see your new ax, dude. The one from Mehico. Bring it down sometime.
March 20, 2007 at 10:17 pm
Its always been funny to me, in a somewhat sick and twisted way, how similar our fathers are. In many ways they are more alike than you and me. But the similarity that always takes the cake is father and son. I am uniquely myself, but at the same time the older I get the more and more of my father I see in myself. I don’t think that is always the case. You and I, however, have father’s with strong personalities who have influenced the people we have become. I think the key here is to realize the good and bad qualities they posses. We should make a conscious effort to incorporate the good and not the bad. It’s not easy.
I am lucky in that my father has calmed down a bit in the last few years. I think partly because both his kids are out of the house.
As far as the money goes. I can’t tell you what to do. But might I suggest this: Don’t look at the issue in such black and white terms. Taking money will not mean you are completely a slave to his will, and not taking any money will not alleviate his influence completely either.
Ask me some time and I tell you what I did…
In the end you will never fully escape, the damage is already done. He is your father and will always affect you in one way or another. Just know that all you really owe him is to be a good person (you know how even if it was because sometimes he showed you how not to be) and do what you think is right.
That being said. Make sure you really really really want to go to law school because it sucks a big fat black cock. It will put you into debt no matter what, and you will be that much closer to being just like you know who.
March 21, 2007 at 7:23 am
Yeah, its funny how our lawyer fathers turned out. I don’t know about your dad, but mine is always laying claim to his radical roots, despite the fact that he is completely politically inactive and probably supports more bad guys than he shoots down. I wrote that piece about on a day when I was particularly frustrated with him (which sets off my more melodramatic tendencies). I don’t feel like I’m a slave to him and I don’t sit around biting my fingernails about what to do about school. I plan on following the path of interest over that of money in law school and hopefully I’ll find something that I can agree with that will also make me money. I’m not worried about starting law school up; I look at it as an opportunity to live somewhere new for awhile, meet some new people and just generally have some more life experience before I end up stuck here in LA for the rest of my life.
I just think that my Dad was an idealist but also a realist who figured out that you had to dress a certain way and represent certain kinds of people to excel in law and he went for it. Now he’s disillusioned, successful, conflicted, and unable to feel truly proud of his work. As a reaction, he becomes a pessimist, ignores politics, and gets lost in his eBay-with-kids lifestyle. Maybe I’m just an idealist, but I’d like more out of my career than success. I also want satisfaction.
April 9, 2007 at 4:35 am
Good site!!!
June 12, 2007 at 1:59 pm
whatever you do dont take his money.
think about it, he is trying to control you yet again.
go it alone and stand on your own two feet….
he will hate it and give you grief, but tell him to
buzz off.
been in exactly the same situation with my control
freak father.
stand alone you dont need anyone else!
June 12, 2007 at 2:49 pm
I hear ya Kev. Sometimes being around him can be seriously stressful. I wrote that above article after a particularly nasty incident where he was just a complete asshole to me. The truth of the situation is that, despite his occasional twists of the knife, he’s actually a very nice guy. He just treats people according to his moods. So if he’s pissed and you try to talk to him, he becomes pissed at you.
I’m going to take his money. However, I’m taking out half of my fees in loans and I’m going to take out another loan to get a new car. When I get out of law school I’ll be free of his chains and I can stand on my own two feet. I did manage to drop my fees significantly, however. I’m sorry your Dad is a control freak. My advice is not to get upset about it, but start figuring out a way to get away from him. Make sure you have a plan though. You’ll need a decent enough job that you can live on and a way to achieve that job. Study these things and you’ll be able to escape more successfully than if you just leave, because if you just leave, you may end up without a life at all. Parents are nuts!
June 16, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I’d like to drop some words. Cool site, thank you for this! diana zubiri
June 16, 2007 at 5:50 pm
Greetings to the author of this page. Nice site, keep up the good work stacey keibler
July 2, 2007 at 8:07 am
My dad is a control freak and I have to say that he makes your dad sound like Winnie the Pooh. If I had to tell you all the ways he is in control of my life you would vomit. I have a plan to move out (with my daughter). But I haven’t finished school yet and so we would be living on a tight budget for another year and a half. I am trying to decide if I should stay here with my control freak of a father (he can turn into the meanest a–hole) because all of our bills are payed ( he is an MD) or go it alone.
I hope that just because they are out fathers we can choose to not let them effect us. We have to take responsibility for our own feelings and not let them bring us down.
July 2, 2007 at 9:06 am
I’m really sorry to hear that, Sheila. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be a female with a controlling father. I think its in mens’ instincts to want to control their daughters. Its a misguided protective agenda. Many fathers just can’t seem to let their children grow into individuals.
I did a quick search online and found “1-800-4-A-CHILD,” which is a phone number you can call that will help you get out of an abusive situation. I’m not sure if your father is being physically abusive, but if he is, you need to get out of that situation immediately. You have no obligation to take that kind of treatment from him or anyone. If you can access this site, you should be able to access other websites that can help you out of the situation you’ve found yourself in. Keep me updated of your progress and if there is anything I can do to help, I’d be happy to oblige you.
July 8, 2007 at 8:39 pm
I was looking for advice myself on a situation very similar to yours… I see that this was posted in March of 2007. I hope things are working out for you.
If you think your dad’s an ass, you should see mine. He’s a functional alcoholic—a term that I was not familiar with until quite recently. Functional alcoholics, as the term itself explains, are near-normal-lookin, near-fully-functional, alcholics. My biological dad–I call him that to distance myself from the loving term “dad”–is an asshat who needs to control every family member. Yet he’s so different to people outside of the family (like friends, business partners, neighbors, etc). People think he’s a great person… boy would I love to write a book to divulge the truth about this fucking assole.
I wanted to go away for college. Away from this insane household. Except, I couldn’t leave because I didn’t want to leave my mom alone with him. He’s also abusive. I grew up watching him hit my mother, and I’ve been hit as well. But unlike most abused children, I learned to defend myself, hit him back at times… but I’m a chick, and I don’t have enough upper-body strength. Why she never divorced him… it’s complicated. It must be an Asian thing.
So for 4 years, I went to a college that I didn’t necessarily want to be at just so I could stay close to my mom and come to her aid whenever she needed me. My parents paid for college – yes I took part of that prick’s $…but it also belongs to my mom, so i think it’s fair… Plus… with all the emotional/physical suffering that i’ve experienced because of him, I think I’m entitled to that $$$. B4 he dies, I’ve decided I want to use every last penny of his.
I just graduated from college this year, and I’ve been accepted to a great grad program at the U of Chicago. I have an internship that may blossom into a salaried job (but nothing is for sure). But I’ve moved back with my parents recently after the lease on my apartment has expired.
Now I am faced with the same question that you are dealing with (or hopefully, things have already turned out for the better)… should I stay at home? Continue to use his money for grad school? Or should I take out a loan for grad school & another apartment? It’s a killer decision. And to think that I’d be leaving my mom with him for good, it’s even more painful.
So now that I have blabbered on about my life, let’s turn back to you. If you haven’t already made a decision… I’d suggest that you take your dad’s money for your undergrad. He doesn’t sound AS bad as mine. I have friends who have taken out loans for college, and it is NOT AT ALL the life-after-college experience they’d hope to have. I only wish you were in a situation where you can tough it out… especially if you can physically distance yourself from your father for college.
Besides… the way I see it… if you, as a financially successful parent, cannot provide college funds for your own child, I think you’ve failed as a parent. If ever he should say something like “I sent you to college you ungrateful…”, I think my line of reasoning serves as a good comeback.
July 9, 2007 at 7:17 am
Thanks for your comment hockeychick. I wrote the post you responded to after a particularly aggravating encounter with my dad. If anything, writing it has given me perspective on how much worse most other people have it with abusive or dishonest parents who can be even nastier. I just have a control freak of a dad who must be the master of everything. At some times, his controlling behavior is even funny.
We’re both very into music, as we both play guitar, and its funny because he’ll say things quite often like “no good music has been recorded since 1967,” which is complete bullshit and he knows it. He just says it to try and act like his generation of music was so superior to anything I could have possibly lived through. Control freak.
Thankfully he doesn’t drink or physically abuse me, but just his emotional abuse can be pretty bad too. Its like having someone around who is constantly ready to deflate your self-esteem, make you feel like a piece of shit and just generally rain all over your parade. And because the asshole is your father, you can’t really turn them off and just ignore their idiotic comments.
I hope you make it out of there, but I think that if your Dad is abusing your Mom then you need to call the police. The next time she has a bruise, get a third party involved. Do a google search on “stopping abuse” and you should find some resources. I’m headed to grad school myself and I did decide to take them money, so hopefully I made the right decision. Part of that decision was that once I’m done with grad school, I won’t have to borrow any money anymore. I’ll bet set. Good luck and keep me updated.
July 17, 2007 at 8:26 pm
hey i know how it feels my god im a wife of one and god he drives my son over the edge at times and well i can understand sigh…at least you can choose his retierment home!lol
July 17, 2007 at 8:27 pm
dont let it ruin your life… dont become him have a good one!
August 14, 2007 at 12:33 pm
Hey, my dad is an abuser as well. They are all the same and the way you described the way he spoke with your mother, is along the same lines they all speak. It’s a shame that we even bother to try and figure them out. I’m 26 now, I moved out when I was 20 years old. I’m grateful my father never payed for anything of mine that could have too much of an attachment. TRUST ME on this one: BE INDEPENDANT!! It is so important because he will always be abusive, therefore you will still have the abusive ties throughout school, continuing to tear apart your self worth and esteem, you are priceless, never forget that. I wouldnt put up with his behavior for another second. I continued a distant relationship with my father for several years I moved out and he still found little ways to demean me, guess what, I realized he is never going to change. I feel so much more confident in my decision to end this cycle and stand up for myself. As I tell my brother do not beleive a word out of his mouth about you! If you can try and go to a therapist, to heal.
August 28, 2007 at 3:24 pm
My name is brittany mikowski I am 20 years old.
Being still controlled by my mother and her boyfirend
I have the same thing but 2 controlling parents.
one is very intimadating and wieghs at least 368pounds. The other is my mom who always said I ws not good at anything. she would install “self doubt in me. Thats one of the things “controlling” parents will do to you. They put you down and twist everything you say. They will talk you down saying things like “oh you need me you would fail living on you own” Or “I am not controlling you I just don’t want some big debt for the rest of my life
YOUR NOT ALONE!!! I understand everything others have posted and I feel for them. I hope they can find help with the problem because I going to have to call the cops when I wanna move out. They will have to give me a walking escort out of the house . This is for their pertection becuase if try to stop me i am going to defend my self!
Well got to go everyone I hope for the best!
Brittany mikowski
suke_power@yahoo.com
September 21, 2007 at 9:56 am
This is a father-son excerpt from the most powerful book ever published on the subject, The Wrong Schwartz. (www.TheWrongSchwartz.com) I’ve read the book several times—and, full disclosure, I wrote it! Joel D. Block.
Check this out…
When I failed to score the highest on a school-wide test, my father ripped into me for so long that I nearly passed out on my feet. Then he turned and extended a strap toward me.
“What’s that for,” I asked with terror.
“Beat me,” he demanded.
“Papa…”
“Beat me for having raised a loser! You want to turn out like the Wrong Schwartz boy? Is that what you want to become? Is that what you want to make of me!”
The Wrong Schwartz boy, as he was called, was the shining example of underachievement used by my father and fathers like him. It was shame enough if a child, especially male, was born dull. Shameful, but it couldn’t be helped. Those in my community might shake their heads about boys who simply didn’t have it. They might throw up their hands, but tragedies happen, and they would eventually understand.
To be capable and not hard working, that was another thing altogether. The family of such an offspring might as well have moved to a leper colony.
Harold Schwartz, older than I, in his twenties, was the firstborn of brilliant twin boys. Unlike his super-achieving brother, a Harvard law professor, he committed the unpardonable sin of having brains and not using them. He buckled under the weight of expectation and spent most of his energy making sure he would not be first in anything again. He disappointed every expectation his parents had for him. He was finally cast out of the family when he managed to get a full scholarship despite himself, then lost it due to academic failure, and appeared happy, a successful failure.
My father thrust the strap into my hand and my body shook with a palsy of fright. He made me beat him. It would have taken a lot more courage, much more than I could muster to refuse him. The question of how free of him I might dare to be was not open for consideration. I closed my eyes and pulled back my trembling arm striking him repeatedly.
“Harder,” he demanded. “Harder!”
“Noooooo!” In shame and rage I felt the scalding cry come from my throat. He would not release me. The pain of beating my father was so severe that it made me moan. A river of tears fell from my eyes and down my cheeks until he granted me permission to stop. Afterwards the tears continued to flow so heavily that I saw nothing around me for several moments.
Then I felt intense shame. Shame for failing to be the best, shame for failing my father, shame for crying. My father never cried, I wasn’t supposed to cry either. Crying was weak, and I felt shame for showing weakness.
November 12, 2007 at 9:43 am
Having a controlling father ruined my life. I am going to be 35 years old and I am still so deeply traumatized that I think I am going to need professional help. I fight it though myself, and every day is the same. Although, I have moved from home very long time ago, I have left my dear mother with him. And she is the one that deals with him everyday. I call home every week to talk to my mother and of course there he interferes. He has the most profound way of putting me down, and totally destroying my will to live.
Six months ago, I hung up on him and never spoke again, and will never speak to him at least on the phone. I have to talk to my mum secretly when he is not home. I discovered that I was the stupidest idiot for not doing this earlier.
I have always tried to make my father show at least an acknowledgment of my achievements. I have managed to graduate with two masters degrees from the top US universities in international law, I have traveled all across the world. I have worked my way through all the schools and never accepted anything from my father since I was 14.
I have friends and have always been friendly, and kind and nice to everyone. I never get angry, except when I talk to my father. He says the word and I continue to think about it for a week, and it hurts so deeply that several times I ended up very sick. I really believe that I got so emotionally distraught that I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Several years later, I ended up in emergency operating room to remove my gallbladder. I swear on my life, that although I cannot prove it scientifically, I got ill every time he offended me.
I have realy tried to be a good son. But I have never, ever been able to make him happy.
Now, I have realized, I cannot live anymore to make my father happy. Although, it is very difficult to let him go, I have to. If I continue doing what I was doing, being manipulated and controlled from this fucking freack, I will end up dead.
I have decided that in order for me to live and grow old. I am going to have to let him go and never talk or see him again.
To make this thing ever harder, I am the only son, and he lives in Europe where children usually take care of their parents. However, this is impossible now.
I sometimes feel guilty, but I now that in order for me to live, and I want to be alive, I have to stop my relation with my father. He is dead to me now!
It still hurts. I sometimes find myself talking to myself and recalling all the bad words and insults he made to me. I do not want to remember, it just sometimes happens. I am scarred forever, and am trying to heal myself.
As a result, I am totally lost trying to find new meaning to my life.
So, what ever you decide you know that eventually you are going to have to deal with this father of yours. The only thing that I can say from my experience is, do not be afraid like I was and deal with this as earlier as possible. Do not delay. You will become 35 and realize that all you did was in vain. Deal with your father now and show him his place.
Be independent. If you let him pay your school, he will forever mention it, and use it to control you. Personally, I would argue that it is his obligation to pay your education. Graduate and leave the house. Cut of all the ties. He will never change. Never.
February 7, 2008 at 5:58 am
There is absolutely nothing more i can add to all these comments…our fathers were made in the same mould anti-folk hero…cast in iron…they will never change.
They are all successful businessmen, who persued wealth and success on the “money will make me happy” fallacy….my father is the unhappiest man I know, and his unhappiness, he feels, needs to be shared. Do not allow this. In order for someone to belittle you or patronize you…they need your consent. Use their negativity and channel it, let it remind you of how different you are from that. Do not fuel the fire that burns their sould every minute of every day…
Its tough, they are our fathers after all, and we do have an undeniable bond to these men…they have shaped us far enough to enable us to shape ourselves. Be strong…
D
March 12, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I know exactly how you feel and am in the same puzzling position as you are. The only advice I can give you, and only hope to be able to follow myself is to let him think he is right and avoid him demeaning you. My mother has mastered this art, and I can’t manage to ever not stand up for myself when he mistreats me or others around me. His childish “i am always right and you are always wrong because I own you” ways are sickening and frustrating.
As for college, take his money. Your education and an opporutnity to have it is worth evrey bit of taking our fathers’ bullshit.
I feel like I am always trying to make him happy and yet with an insignificant imperfection on my part, all hell breaks loose. Hes nuts… But we have no right to let them know so. I think, as dependent children, we have to take it, and understand that they have serious issues. We will come out stronger people in the end and always know how NOT to treat our family.
March 27, 2008 at 1:38 pm
Hey.Being part of this strange family of controlling fathers,i can relate with each and every story.i will admit that some are really heart renching and my father for all that is bad in him,doesnt come close to some on this site.my story is such,my parents devorced when i was five years old,they fought constantly to the point of being physically violent towards eachother.i remember one instance in particular,i must have been 4 or so and my father came home late and drunk as usual,my mother then began to berate and taunt him into a fight,so it got violent and i remember trying to stop them but being shoved into a corner,sitting there in tears i felt helpless and alone,why didnt they notice me or care how i felt?this left a scar in me that runs so deep im not even sure how far it goes.
well they divorced i think for the better,especially for my mother.although she was left depressed and unable to deal with us(my brother was born during the turmoil) emotionally for a while after.we lived with my grandparents up until i was 19 or so,she to had a controlling parent in my grandmother.she was also abusive,which i suppose explains my mothers choice in a husband.i remember,i must have been 16 and my aunt(she also lived with us)and mum werent getting along and my gran was on my aunts side which was always the case,for some reason im not entirely sure got fed up t the point where,one morning as i was leaving for school,i heard her beating my mum in the bathroom,i was so shocked i got out of the house as fast as i could.she was partly an influence in my parents marriage problems as well.but she grew us up which deserves some credit,but il never forgive her for that or myself for running.
my mother did try and escape at various stages,and sometimes it worked out really well,but somehow we always ended back with my grandparents.
to make the long story a somewhat short one it came to the point where i had to escape,i had become a hermit,not going anywhere but school and back,not many friends,1 to be exact and my mother after having tried it on our own once more,this is after the incident described above,couldnt cope,so we were on our way back to my gran.i could see how much it hurt my mother,how with us there she could never escape.so i decided to live with my father,to be more specific,his mum my grandmother as he was living outside the country.living with my gran were my cousins whos parents were also outside the counry and were in school,they helped me break out of my shell and for the first time i felt apart of something,normal.my mum and bro had at this time moved back with my gran.i felt i had betrayed them,but felt it might be the best for her and my bro if i were gone.my mum eventually also left the country,with the intention of making a better life for us and sending for us.to me shes finally free and for the most part,happy.
as time passed,school ended,we came to live with my father,and from day one our lives were controlled.i hadnt done well in school,mainly because he chose the subjects i would do regardless of any oppinion i gave,it was a transitional stage in my life,i was discouvering new parts of myself but i wasnt sure of what i wanted to do with my life so i gave in.so having done poorly,he again chose the course i would do,totally out of my interests and only because of some grand plan he has of us taking over hes company,which,because of hes stubborness and wanting to control everything not taking advice,is in debt and could crumble at any moment.ive learnt that my father is an arrogant,hard headed and selfish man whose motto is its my way,even if im wrong,and no option of escape.
so now here i am,25 years old,ashamed of the route my life has taken and desperate to escape once more.the option of leaving is a no brainer and the sooner i do the better.i feel trapped and helpless but i must take control of my life,before there is nothing left of it and my father drags us down with him.i’ll help my brother as well,he feels exactly as i do amybe even more so.my father has gone as far as to ban him from seeing hes own girlfriend,she is much younger than he is but they love eachother and in any event the choice is hes,hes 21!!
you are born to your fathers but you are not owned by them,you are who you are,your life is your own,dont let anyone,espescially your father,decide who you should be.as a man its your right to claim your independance,our fathers have taken away our confidance and will to think for ourselves but dont be afraid,whether im rich or im dirt poor i will be content with the fact that i chose my life and lived it according to my rules.no one knows your heart and soul but you,take the courage to live your own life.
April 18, 2008 at 12:57 pm
I am 46 year old and have been emotionally and times physically dominated by my father throughout my life.
He is now 81 year-old. Unfortunately, all my efforts to emancipate myself emotionally were unsuccesful. My 50 year old sister has similar difficuties.
Our mother died 10 years ago and he lives in Europe.
During the last days of my mom’s painful end he stood by her and recapitulated all his complaints and made her ask him for forgiveness. All her life she just heard how stupid she is, what a great privelege is her relationship with him. As a young boy, I had sometimes to rescue her from his violent outbursts. I remember one night she asked me to stay with her as my father was out very late, past midnight drunk and she was fearing a beating or a “long conversation.” He has an unusual capacity of talking for hours and hates being interrupted, contradicted. My father, even though he was drunk, figured my mom’s defense out and threw me out of the room and pulled her by the hair into the kitchen. SUch epidoes were common. Another incident I remember clearly is when he kicked me while I was crwaling in fear on the floor. The reason for this was a C in Geography! At that time, there was no escape. We lived in a systemm where family violence was common and readily accepted as a norm. My mother had no resources to divorce him and he is also hard “to get rid of” a man with poor boundaries, very talented to act as social and pleasant and also very good in portraying self as a victim.
Because of him, I decided I have to remove myself and my wife from his proximity. I took the decision to move to a different country. When we aere living in the same city, he was visiting us at any time, any day. His visits were extremely long and 99% of the time we were talking about his He used to come to the hospital where I was on call and stay in my room untill 1-2 am complainig about mother, myself, his inlaws, etc. One night I had an emergency that lasted through the night. He left home and callem the next morning complianing thea the emergency was just a set-up that I arranged with the nurses to have him leave.
I have not seen him since the death of our mother. My sister intends to visit him.
Today I received a letter from him asking me to visit him and also mentioning that my behavior (or lack of!) will attract great punishment at the right time. ANd this is while he is aware of my recent tough times, my wife’s illness, etc….
I have no drop of hate or anger towards him but also I have no inner strength to face him. I feel that he will again load my negative affective memories and will use the time just to revive blame, guilt and make me aware of my insensitivity. I miss visiting the city, laying flowers on my mother’s grave… but I also dread the encounter with him and also the impact he will have on the visit itself. Any word of advice would be gratly appreciated.
May 22, 2008 at 9:51 pm
I figured I would write this as I’ve read everyone’s stories and feel like sharing my own. Maybe it will help me somehow.
My dad was never physically abusive, he never drank, in fact he never even swore in front of us until we were teenagers. He was quite the opposite. Raised in a very strict religious household, he was brought up in a very controlling environment himself.
For the better part of my life his occupation was that of a janitor at a local High School. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I believe it led to him feeling inferior in our society which is so judgmental regarding jobs.
At any rate, he never really taught me to do much, because he was so impatient. Trying at anything would result in getting berated about how I was doing everything wrong. I remember him doing this from the time I was little and learning to play baseball, all the way up to driving cars.
He’s also intensely jealous, especially of my mother if she spends time with my sister and I. He views this as time that should be spent on himself, and we are taking away from him. The world owes him something it seems. He can’t possibly see things any differently than his own strict religious views either.
It’s very interesting, because it seems that on one hand he wants me to succeed in life, but on the other he can’t stand being out done. The resulting inaction has left me 19 years old with major self-confidence issues, as I don’t feel prepared for any of the challenges in life. I was told from an early age no money would be saved up for me for college.
So at this point in time I have essentially got a full-ride scholarship to an in state college, and have even got a job for the summer so I don’t have to return home. You’ll often find with these “My way or the highway” types that if you do indeed take the highway, they’ll soon realize the errors of their ways and try to backtrack; don’t let them.
My advice to everyone dealing with these problems is GET THE HELL OUT of the situation. Learn to stand on your own two feet. I’ve left home now at 18, and I’m never living their again. Sure, living on your own is hard, and you can’t have everything you want. Sure you may have to get loans and eat Top Ramen for meals for a couple of years. But at least you can look yourself in the mirror in the morning and know that you’ve earned everything you have, that you’re not worthless and incompetent, and you no one anything.
It sounds like you’ve already taken your dad’s money anti-folk hero, but I would advise against it. It’s just more ammunition for them to use. Going alone sucks, but at least you have your pride, and their’s nothing they can do to take that from you.
May 26, 2008 at 2:40 pm
When my father hugs me, he makes me feel like crap. Yell at me for an hour, make me cry, give me a hug, says, everything will be okay. I don’t spend money on cigarettes or alcohol – I barely spend money on clothes, but this penny pinching pound foolish supposed parent has begged in the name of God to a clerk in the store to take back a non-returnable item. I had my own bank account at age 22. Any money I earned before then went to him, therefore I paid for my schooling. He yells at my mom, makes my sister cry, thinks we, the world, all against him. Argued with another clerk in the store, embarassing my mom, for a dollar. I am anxious since it seems he wants to hug me. No physical abuse though. His hugs make me feel small, dependent, worthless.
Being religious – the dilema – respect your parents regardless, as some interpretations would say.
I don’t think so. I am accountable only to the Lord. The first Believers left their fathers, not always kindly.
I can’t even stand up for my mother, the real strength, when she is being yelled at.
July 15, 2008 at 4:59 pm
I think I have just finished things with my dad. He is a self confessed perfectionist and control freak. I have made some decisions lately that he does not agree with ( to do with MY children ). I have just had it he told me last weekend that he has failed miserably as a father and that my husband and I were blithering idiots….Ive had it I love him so so much which makes this hard as when he is good he is good but I need to do this for my own sanity it takes up so much energy. My mum and I have vowed not to talk about it and my children will go and visit them not them come here and I dont want to stop him been a grandad its not their fight. AGHHHHH !!!!!
July 22, 2008 at 9:51 am
Wow, I’m shocked at how similiar many of our experiences are with our lawyer fathers. That description you posted fits my dad as well to a T. He’s a great financer but expects total control in return for his help. He expects everything his way and if you deviate he’s quick to call you ungrateful and totally shoot down all hope of a different path. He gets offended if you don’t take his help and is quick to change his personality to adapt to whatever crowd he’s playing to. What’s funny is that he is genuinely well-liked as well. Once he was reading through an old diary of mine , after I’d left for my freshman year of college, and found a passage where I referred to him as a hypocrite. Granted, the writing date was three years prior to when he found it. To this day he still talks about it and how offended and hurt he is. Currently I attend the school he chose for me, am taking the major he also selected, and am scheduled for law school. Nice. What I wanted to do was sing opera but no…I got a scholarship. Not used. Its his choice or nothing, which is very frustrating; however, once out of undergrad he’s not paying for grad so I can do whatever I please.
July 22, 2008 at 11:11 am
I’ve really been touched by all of the replies that have been posted on this story since I wrote it about a year ago. I wrote it during a frustrating time for me, where I felt that my Dad wasn’t listening to me and charging forward with his plans for my life. Like the most recent poster, I wanted to be a musician. I still write music and sing today (you can check out my site at http://www.youtube.com/antifolkhero) but I’m currently attending law school. On meeting more people who have these same difficulties, I feel like I have a few insights into the difference between myself and my father. He seems to come from a generation where people grew up with less and worked harder. His work ethic is beyond what mine has ever been; however, he is extremely emotionally closed minded. He refuses therapy and will not talk about anything sensitive. Effectively, he has shut off his emotional side (or so he thinks). The truth is that he has suppressed a great deal of his emotional personality, which has warped and skewed the rest of his life. Like trying to push the top down on a pot of boiling water, this never works. Instead, things will still bubble over, just into less healthy, more abnormal places. Like controlling behavior, anger, frustration, etc. To me, his problem is that he won’t relax enough to be honest about how he really feels about anything and instead uses his success in business to trump anyone who might question his real happiness. I don’t hate him or pity him, because he has a good life and is a good man. He has just buried a living part of himself and will never get better until he digs it back out.
August 31, 2008 at 4:56 am
Mmh that man sounds like my dad, although he is not divorced nor shouts at my mother! The guy has PhD in psychology, he has us, his guinei pig childrens to control since birth. Unfortunately for my siblings am the only one who survived to ran away so i could heal.
My sister is pschologically burnt from his criticisms, she has a baby, by the pro paps wants the kid to live with him. My sis marriage failed famously.
My brother is an alcoholic, and i …..well i tried killing myself 2 times. That is when i realised, this family wasn’t worth to die for, so i left and never returned.
I feel sorry for my siblings, for the in trap, his darn trap. when they try to escape him, he makes them feel guilty, like they don’t love him.
For petessake the daughter is 34 years old!!!
September 15, 2008 at 6:19 pm
take your dads money and swallow your pride. you only have one dad and he wont be around forever. anyway, once you are doing something out there he will change, just you see
November 7, 2008 at 12:19 pm
Hi to all of you above. Felt I had to add my story. I am 61 years old, would you believe, and have only just stood up to my father. Growing up, he was o.k. as a dad, but liked his own way in everything and would throw his dummy out of the pram if he didn’t get it. He used to like to upset me and show power over me and consequently, I grew up with not much confidence. Fortunately I met my husband (at 17 yrs. of age) and was fortunate that he is a kind man who, over the years, has given me back some of my self confidence. However, all through our married life my father has had to have his little say if we or any of our children did things that he didn’t agree with, he just couldn’t help himself. He has fallen out with many people over the years, including my brother (who he didn’t see or speak to for 4 years), his own brothers, his work colleagues (he was an inspector for the Council, so had quite a bit of power over quite a lot of people). I have always taken his snide comments and put me downs, not having a lot of confidence in myself. However, my father is now 88 and in reasonable health and my mother, who is and always has been a lovely mum, is now 86yrs. My mum is not in the best of health and since then, my father seems to take the attitude that it is not his place to look after her and that I should be round there every day (they live close by) to help. We have had 3 children who now have children of their own, whom we like to see. I work part time still, (since when my father thinks he can organise the days that I do not work) and my husband has had serious health problems of his own, but I am happy to help where I can. However, that isn’t good enough for my father, and when I tried to tell him that I would help, but that it had to fit in with my life also, he said that we just couldn’t help each other then, making me feel bad. A couple of years ago, things exploded when he said that I was a bad daughter for not visiting every day. My brother, who is retired and who my father expected to do his gardening (my brother has had a heart bypass, like my husband) has put help into place. They have a cleaner, a gardener, and now social services go in to bath my mum who is a bit unsteady on her feet. I have just had another argument with him, as he threw it at me that I should be going round every day and that I could not call myself a good daughter, insinuating that I was not welcome there anymore. He makes me feel like S–t, and my husband says I shouldn’t get upset and should just cut him off, but I feel that I can’t leave my mum and not see her anymore. At the moment I am going round when he is out, sneaking about behind his back, which is just awful, but soon he will not be going out anymore and he is just getting rid of his car, so I will have to visit when he is in – he says he will go out of the room , but there is an awful atmosphere in the house when he is there. He shouts at my mum, but she is a touch old bird and will stand up for herself (but she has heart failure and is not steady on her feet), but she is so dependent on him and I fear that one day he will hurt her. I feel that I hate him and would really like to cut him out of my life, but I can’t while my mum is alive. I realise that I should have moved away years ago, but it is too late for that now. We did move quite a way from them years ago, but my father forced my mum to move near to us (planning for his old age I guess!). I would just like to advise anyone who is young and suffering a control freak of a father, to move well away and build up your self confidence and believe in yourself again – you are well worth it!
December 2, 2008 at 1:10 pm
I was lucky, My father died of cancer when I was 13. At the time he died I was very upset but I distinctly remember how I was the only one in my family who was honestly sad. Everyone else, my mom, brother, and sister were all “relieved” that he was dead. Now, I know your all going to be like, “oh thats so awful, How can you say that about your dad?” but trust me, I later realized that his dieing while I was still young is the only thing that saved me.
My Brother and Sister were both really screwed up by his crazy behavior and mood swings. Like many fathers, he made a lot of money and was in charge at work with everyone under him doing whatever he told them to do. That type of power over people makes even the BEST of men go crazy and build up a massive ego.
I am so glad I was able to grow up without my crazy dad ruining my life. To this day, my Brother is 48, my sister is 51 and they both still have social and mental problems relating to the way my dad treaded them as kids. He was a true asshole who could make you feel like crap about yourself. No matter WHAT YOU DID it was not good enough for him.
I’m 34 and very paitent and loving with my wife and our kids. I have a job but it’s not very stressful so I can have a much less commanding role in the family and at work. My wife’s father however is a classic example of the way my dad was. He’s a 57 year old CEO of a company, makes around $250,000 a year and is IMPOSSIBLE to deal with. He is a nice guy when he wants to be, but he can also treat everyone like puppets when he wants to. My wife’s mother is a complete slave to his every command and the ironic part is he treats her baddly yet she would defend him to the death if anyone tried to insult him.
So strange.
January 29, 2009 at 10:33 pm
No,
They don’t change. I’ve been “doing something out there” for 20 years after leaving home, and have had a career any father could be proud of. But it’s not good enough—-it’s never going to be good enough. In spite of the tens of thousands of dollars my father paid for me to be educated, he has no interest in what I learned along the way, through and since that education.
I’ve done it his way all these years because I only have one dad and I kept hoping he would come to respect my point of view on things. But it’ll never happen. It’s a losing game. And it’s all a game with him—every conversation someone has to win, or lose. And it’s all black and white and there’s no in between.
Not only that but he still thinks George W. Bush was a good President.
There’s just nothing left to say. I’m tired of the insults and the condescension and the pop psychology. I’m tired of being the one who always tries to communicate. I’m tired of being the one who has to shut up and just take the crap.
These relationships are toxic. For each toxic relationship, a healthy possible relationship will falter or suffer because of it—-breaking away and getting that bad energy out of my life completely is the only thing that’s helped.
It’s really too bad. Because I appreciate how short life is. I just don’t think he does.
February 4, 2009 at 7:11 pm
You’re not my brother are you? I would swear we grew up in the same household. Probably not, though. My father was not as successful as yours.
He did have many friends connected to his business. He is retired now. Eighteen years. No friends what so ever. He managed to alienate himself from every one. He calls his children daily to try and control over the phone. It’s sad. I believe he knows how he is. He just can’t help it.
The only thing you can do is tell yourself that somewhere, someone in your dad’s life did a real number on him. Try to see it from that view. It helps.
Diana
April 1, 2009 at 6:38 pm
Wow, I’m so surprised at how so many of these scenarios sound like my own. I plugged in “dealing with a controlling dad” and this was the first link on google
My dad is also like the one that has this amazing capacity to talk for hours on end and gets enraged when contradicted. I thought it was just part of the whole controlling Asian parents thing (it sort of is) but my dad in particular is very dominating and completely self-absorbed that he doesn’t even care how others feel. And yes, he seems to do well outside the house, has many friends and no one knows his real side.
I’m 26 now, and until my last year in college I put up with his crap and tried so hard to be the model daughter he wanted me to be…but it was never good enough.
To make matters worse, I became Christian during college and since then, He’s been blaming everything that he’s dissatisified with in me on my church (and not on Christ, isn’t that funny).
It is really hard; and I don’t know when things will get better. I want to be loving to my parents so running away or cutting ties isn’t an option…but when will there be a turn?
April 22, 2009 at 6:54 am
thank god im not the only one who has a father exactly like yours! my dad is so controlling. Just because he paid for my school tuition he thinks that he can rule over me when it was not my choice to! At the end of the day i have always said that i value my pride and happiness more than i do money!! He is so controlling that he said that he has to choose my uni for me but he is thinking about places so far away and i want to go to london where all my family is like my half brothers and sisters whom he hates as they are his step children and has been violent to for many years. He is so insulting to my mother and insults her to me as well. He has now left our house and got a new place for himself although he still comes in because he has a spare key! It annoys me because he is obviously using us so we can do his washing and make his dinner. He also has the cheek to say that after school he is picking me up to take him to his new place to clean up for him. I dont believe in the word hate but someone who is as horrible as my dad does not deserve kids he is insulting violent, rude and very vindictive as he is always planning up things to hurt my brothers and sister and my mum i really want to get away from this and stand up for myself.
please comment on yuor opinion on what i should do
April 28, 2009 at 11:00 am
my story begins like this
i wuz always a failure in my dad’s eyes from as long as i can remember. when i was a boy, i would come home with a good report card(80’s 90’s), and he wouldn’t even bother looking at it. As i grew older my marks started slipping, and the verbal and vioolence began. he startred using the belt on me, and using me as an example to my sisters. he would simply hit me in the face if i never greeted him, and told me that i had the manners of a dog. i was always trying to figure out if i was a mistake or something. he tries to fill me with self-doubt and indescissiveness. he doesn’t want me to do anything unless he has a say in it. i sometimes wished i was dead because of him. thank goodness i’m not alone. its nice to no that their others out there who’ve gone through what i have. i don’t feel so isolated anymore
thanks guys:)
June 8, 2009 at 6:12 pm
I just wanna keep this short but i wanna say that I have the same problem.
My father doesn’t respect me for who I am and expects so much from me that it’s tearing me apart on the inside. He controls me every day to the very second. He tells me who my friends should be, what he believes I should be doing, everything I do is a failure to him. I have no options left, I can only stay and take his abuse until I graduate from college. Afterward my plan is simple. To move away, move away and never come back.
June 15, 2009 at 6:52 am
My dad is just the same as all of yours. He is always right about everything and everyone else is always wrong. He belittles everyone and constantly criticises and deamens his children and our mum. No one can reason with him. Whenever we try to talk to him about how things are he manages to make himself seem right. He has educated all of us children but like someone else said in one of their posts has no interest in what the education has taught us or how it not shapes our lives. I think it all boils down to control. As the children turn into adults they fail to realise they can no longer control.
He also manages to make himself seem like a victim to other other people and is friendly and happy with other people. It’s as if though he hates his children who he should love the most.
Unless people are in the same situation they fail to realise how this type of father makes life into hell.
July 26, 2009 at 6:27 pm
I understand what you mean exactly.My dad’s almost exactly like that.He wants to control my life 24x.He’s ruining my life.Being a Christian,I’m trying my best to react appropriately to his anger.People say:Talk to him.Impossible.
He’s yelling right now.Just spending this time online may make him cut off Net connection.
I can’t wait to stay on my own-someday.
Hope you’re doing better.
September 18, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Get out of the house and live on your own. Take out a loan and find a cheaper school if need be. Don’t take a penny, as it will only be used against you and lead to endless frustration. When I left home, it was the smartest thing I ever did. Live, Work, Learn, Have fun, Then work some more, and keep good records so you dont inadvertantly become like your father in the future.
September 21, 2009 at 10:56 am
What did you end up doing? I would have chosen the big loans, which I did, and graduated and paid off my loans. I am now 42 and am still dealing with my controlling dad who wanted me to run his company. This is the 3rd time I have gone to work for him, and he still has not changed. He is 79 years old, and still thinks I am almost worthless, regardless of my success rate outside of this company. Just love him because he is your dad, and tolerate his existence and strive not to be like him.
September 21, 2009 at 11:18 am
Heh, no one has asked me what I ended up doing, but in the end I decided to take the money and go to law school. I’m currently in my third year. I don’t see my dad as much as a I used to and I think our relationship has improved because of this. The truth is that my Dad’s attitude and controlling personality are mainly based around money, and now that I am paying for everything (as of this year) we really have nothing to fight for. I know that my Dad wants the best for me, but his discussion of money always makes him crazy. I love him even though I hate the way he acts sometimes. No one is perfect, but I’m so happy that this post has helped so many other people to vent their frustrations and find camaraderie with others through the internet. Thanks for asking.